i want out!

maybe its the lack of exposure, maybe its a habit or maybe its me having too much idealistic ideas of what should and should not be. the evil curse of being a student for too long?!

i had been posted to a new environment. from day 1 (even as a student then) i lamented about my plight. i was in a place where i didn't like from day 1 (it all goes back as far as when i was a year 1, 1st sem understudying person!) , i was to work with someone that i knew i can't get along well with (i had worked briefly with her so i think i know), i dislike the standard (as compared to the other places i had been to) and to make things worst the bosses are nothing like my ex-boss. =( my ex-boss was always organised and planned well into the future. although she goes by the books, her actions were always consistent and up to standard; for that i admire her.

incident 1
my 1st week in this new place, i was scold by one of the head for something someone did. i know no head no tail and was scolded. what can i say? i told her, i wasn't the one who did it and i was merely asking her if she would like to keep the equipment and ask those involve when they are back at work. she just replied, "its no excuse! u XX girls should know better. this XYZ isn't cheap and do you think the (other dept) is free enough to do these for us all the time?" my thots was... shouldn't as a leader, u direct the problem/ issue with the people/ person involved? don't vent it all on me! then later i heard she did scold those involved but just asked who send that equipment out. *boiling mad!*

incident 2
i am not against central messages but not when it conducted day, noon or night right outside of clients' room. clients are all within ear shots! and to make things worst the leaders were scolding the staffs! how will the clients think of the staffs?! mind u, its SCOLDING! unlike my previous workplace where such issues (scolding matters) are to be talked abt in the boss's office behind close door. and for every mistake done, it was presented as a learning curve not as a "trash" u session.

incident 3
the other dept staffs are arch enemy with my current work place staffs. instead of offering solution to help each other, everyone is just trying to get a piece of the other person. compassion? more like oppression.

incident 4
today its 25th dec, i reported to work as my schedule last checked was for afternoon work. i kept telling myself its ok. the workload will be light but i realised i was lying to myself the whole time. and when i finally discovery much later that i was suppose to be on public holiday which NOBODY had the courtesy to inform, i was asked by the head "so how huh? u want to go home now?" after i had worked for hours?!?!? and declared that i can't make it for my family gather?!?! wat's wrong with her IQ? do i look like i will jump at that kind offer?! cut the story short... i am getting my off on 26 dec. wat a joke!! i heard from some muslim staff that they were even schedule to work on their hari raya! talk abt cultural sensitivity...

incident 5
something happened during my work. its not something that was preventable at all, its a reaction of sort. so some reporting was required, the head called me in to tell her what had happened and so i did. i told her everything needed but i suppose her mind was not in it. and when another personale came she guided him in the reporting and when i corrected the information that she was giving the guy, she said "ai-ya that was not what u told me earlier?!" i was totally thrown off the deck! what did she mean by that? how can i had told her another thing when its written black n white on my report?!

incident 6
practices are not of norm from what i had practiced previously. i feel confused, frustrated and totally helpless. my teacher dared me 1st to change the culture and do what ought/ should be done but sorry... my power is weak and its such weak and frustrated feelings that made me into a multi-personality person. =( wonder what would she say if she see these?!

incident 7
i can't understand the mentality of the teams and clients. they all want to have their way but what abt the basic understanding of being a human- giving and taking, understanding and trust? sigh...

i am sadden by also the fact that i am not promoted. although i can cook up 101 reason why i am not promoted, i can't help the fact that i am upset. somehow i come to a conclusion...that is not to deny the fact of how i feel but be real with myself. grieving over it make it easier for my to move on and overcome it. perhaps, i am just not going to where i dream to be. it easier to stay status quo and enjoy my life... no point striving when nobody recognise anything. afterall its just a job that pays my bills.

feeling a little...

the new semster for my deg had started and having failed once i am a scary cat now. i had wasted 2 semsters! 1 for failing, 1 for waiting for the next class. i wish i can pass and i must put in lots of effort into this module. its not a subject that one can pass by merely having a good sense of 'common sense' or the ability to abstrate think but cold hard facts with lots of background reading. gosh...

someone said that people that are taking their degree are nothing but a paper chase but i strongly disagree to that. in fact i am angry at the person who had said that. he said that those in his class (acc. student) were so 'keen' to study that they enrol for deg classes immediately post grad. from their dip class. although its a little extreme, i won't think of them badly. these people had express their keen-ness and committment to be in this line of work that's why they had pressed on to study more. given another person who had just wanted to be a nurse just to 'pass' the crisis their approach would be totally different. also those students are 'late starters' in this career compared to those of the same age but had been in the trade for a longer time, in order to 'chase' back those 'stolen time' one had but no choice to run instead of stroll along in the career planning. afterall nursing is indeed an AGE-ism career. after 40yrs old, no matter how great a nurse one is, he/she will still be slower and less steady that a young (although not so clever/ experience) nurse. but the agrue will then be, they are dumb but they are young so we (the org) can still train them to prefection. while the old had no choice but to step down to other areas. so i don't think the willingly hearts are to be blame for rushing into deg classes. but those who say we are merely 'paper-chasing' ought to think twice what is the reason for him/ her to say that. perhaps they are the one that are afraid of committment, fear of studying and maybe failing? afterall deg is self sponsored and if one fail that goes the money and time. no insurance!

hopefully i will be able to busk under the sun of perth somewhere next year awaiting for my grad. =) wish me luck and help pray for wisdom!

irony of life

having been married for 7 years now. amazing that i had maintain it well enough for these years. during these years i had grown and learnt, found my goals and inspiration to move on towards to. within these years, people had gotten married, preg and preg again while i am still who i was years before. thinking of the differences i wonder what is my lot in life. if only i know it then i can plan along with it. but too bad i don't and perhaps that's the excitment of living?

death and dying

a theory that we were all told to read up well for our exam; death and dying. knowing the differences between the 2 did not really evoked anything special but subtly it reminded me a few patients whom i had the privilege of being part of their dying process and eventually their death. a few whom had touched me tremendously, left an unknown scar in my life chapters. yet, i did repress my feelings because i don't believe in being too involve in any patients' or relatives' lives. i believe as a health care worker, one needs to be able to take those bonds whenever needed.

grieving is also a process. weeping is the process for 1 to get go and regain oneself. from calling weeping to deep weeping to finally the letting go weep, all these sound no... rather it painted a wonderful visual of how a therapy is. a shrink sitting on the chair and the patient laying on a couch as they revisit the past, the patient is encouraged to grief over the lost. and the types of crying is exactly as i had remembered from all those chinese drama; the wife will weep and call out the died man "why... why must u leave us? come back! come back!!" as she cries out for the died man, she hit the corpse and accuse him off leaving. then come the 2nd stage. she then started to hit herself calling herself a wretch, jinx and stuffs like "what am i to do now?" finally over lots of scenes of crying kids and relatives gathering around the widow and kids..blah blah blah... she finally cries and look deeply and fonding at the pictures of the deceased and utter crappy stuffs like "i love u. i will always love u but i am letting u go now. be at rest now. i will be fine." then she seals it with a kiss onto the picture. (crappy and so over used but boy! don't we fall for it forever!?)

i guess the next time i nurse a patient and the patient falls under either one of this trajectories:

• linger
• crisis
• expected-quick
• spot
• danger- period
• unexpected-quick

i will do the same grieving process/ work to ease my sorrows... but then who will remain to care for the family and the rest of patients?! hmm... i think i need a shrink!

its feeling real and i am 'home?'

went back to gh today for field visit and interestingly enough the staff there that took the deg module with me were actually so friendly to me. i know she is friendly even from school but to be that nice to me, i never thought possible. ok not very nice, just friendly...like an old friend. afterall i am not that sort that will be so friendly to people that i don't know too well. i felt welcome...welcome home. =)

the it was lazing around time. lets admit it, its not fun to go on field visit when its just observing (thats because i am not proactive, i just want it over with =P) but the changes in the dept was amazing. glad that i went for this field visit afterall which gh staff will know that its renovated to this extend and where is what now, unless u had been there? so i am glad at least i know. =)

then came the exciting part. an ex-school mate is preg! 2 kids in 3 years? wow... how productive and blessed. then there are so many familiar faces that bothered to said hi to me. i am really glad and touched. then i managed to talk to the CIs, since i was there to settle some business. it was really nice that people remember me, even if it was just vague memories. then i got insider cuts. lol... i bet most staff already knew of the new development in the work place but having no extended wire into the organisation since i 'left' these news are rather new and exciting for me to know. =)

went back to the ward and was glad to see the others so well and functioning great. familiar faces just well up my emotions (just when i tot i might not have some. =P) although we had a rather uneventful working relationship, i don't think i can be consider the best friend of anyone. so i won't expect big hi's and hey i miss u sort of stuff. nevertheless i do feel for the people and i am glad they do remember me too. =)

the best...best...best...best... thing that happened is that i met BAO jie!!! =) heeheehee... she dyed her hair heeheee... for some weird reason i really like her and miss her too. although she is the quiet quiet one and we don't work together much. i like her. maybe because she is older and a really calm and mellow person? just like bee... but bee more aggressive leh. heehe... anyway... i am so glad! we even took photo!! =)

school is over and soon i will be back in the ward but i am not sure where i would be posted yet. but i suppose surgical side. but someone scare me that i may be post to the new ward too. whatever it may be, i want to be happy working wherever it is and learn stuff. (i think i am addicted to challenges and learning).

radio 'drama'

aiyoo... finally get to listen to the whole episode of 933's radio drama. gosh... all my hairs stood up! its so so so... weird and creepy. unlike 958's radio drama (of the past) where the character's voices seems to be more mellow so not so creepy. anyway i don't really like such topics on air. too provoking. in the mid day i rather heard something funny and light hearted. hmm... u still got a me.. well well well... not me

weird dream

its interesting enough that i had this dream.
i dreamt that i was in nuh but the setting was nowhere near it.
there was a swimming pool and it felt almost like a clubhouse.
but the clubhouse was suppose to be in level 1 and 2 and thing above it was hospital.
the most funny part was i "saw" ms Z! she was not just a nursing staff there!!
she was the sister!! how weird!!! and someone else whom i can't remember now (but they were arch enemies then) was beening VERY friendly to her!! *faint*

then i suppose i had just had a swim so i was looking for a toilet to shower. (tats why i was there)
i want to go into the toilet (left side for shshh.., right side for shower) but i noticed poopoo covered with a piece of tissue. eekkeeekk... i didn't shower in the end.

part of the dream although it didn't quite link with the above was...
i had a "preview" of me beening trapped in an office and there was a evil something
that was hinting us (there were me and 1 other guy?) it spinned the bingo balls,
make strong gust of wind and locked the doors.
then the next thing some how i was surrounded with lots of people, those working in the office,
everything was normal. then i quicky called my sister to bring me food.
she came and i asked her how was it outside. she said something that rang i bell so i decided to
sneak out of the office but was called to stop by a patient (patient?!?! office?!?! wtf)
and i was "ordered" to stay inside the office and was not to leave.
i told "them" (whoever it was) that i was not running but called my sister to bring me food and now seeing her off. then i told my sister to go off 1st and meet me at the level 1.
i was going to take the e-exit's staircase down to meet her.
soon enough as i approach the exit's door......

i had a leg cramp and i woke up.
how weird can my dreams be?!

=( .... -> =)

at the start there was nothing and then God said "let there be light" and there was light.... that was somewhere in the old testimony. then... thousands of years later, someone said that God will never give us a problem we can't handle. He will provide a way out for us when it gets too unbearable. AND HE DID! His words are still the same and His action never late. =)

part 2 of my "i won't trust u anymore" saga. today is the meet the piggy session and the entire group went. SS still dare to act friendly with me! wo.w... i just flashed my "huh? why u so friendly" look at her. i think she get the message but have no idea why i am so cold to her. i don't think i want to bother talking things out with her. why waste my dear dear time? mr leader finally sense something. he asked me "how esther?" i reply "anything lor. u r the leader mah. u happy can liao". poor him too. he must be wondering what the hell did he do to make me so upset. me??? i just don't care lor. pls don't comment and tell me to reflect upon my actions and that he did nothing wrong therefore don't deserve this sort of treatment. i also know but too bad when the bear is angry IT don't think. yes... i had downgrade to the animalistic human with no common sense anymore!

then.. that piggy got to my nerves by telling us rubbish! tell us, this don't need that don't want. i think she, herself isn't answering to the questions lor. but since she is the one grading us, heck that lar! just do whatever to please her lor. then after 1 big loop, she then mentioned what she just cancelled from our slides and said that should be added in too. aiyoo... my dear LECTURERS pls make up all of your minds!! she is not the 1st lor.

3 hours later, i had barely read up on my test topics and had briefly slept for 1 hour. i went in for the test. out of the 30 mcq i am sure i will get at least 20 correct. short answer questions (20 marks) i will be smiling if i get 10! get the picture? i think i will pass. actually DH isn't that terrible lar. just that i am a rebellious 30+ yrs old ah auntie that wants to sing the opposite key as her (for the fun of it)! =P but still... my mood had not changed a bit. i was hating every minute of it! the noisy pple chatting about the answers and the "die liao lar" that was over stimulating my senses. i want to go on a killing spree!!!! but i was normal enough not to do so.

as i was walking out of the campus... i met BEE!!! =)) wat a suprise for me!! she was staring at me, smiling but because she had put on much weight i was scare to recongise the wrong person. til she stretch her arms! yippeeee!!!! my fav idol!!! *smack smack* we spent an hour talking. not about me but just catching up. it was warm and peaceful. i love it. she has some special power to calm my crazy emotion since a long time ago. =) thank God for her, i feel better and is regaining my pose as the same old me. =))

same that she is indeed leaving singapore. no idea where yet but certainly out of singapore. wish i can go visit her when she is settled down. =)) will miss her much. but i am sure someday when i am sad... she will appear out of nowhere like she always do. =)

trust - use it only when necessary?

I had been burning mid-night oil all the way to 5am for a few nights now. Not that I enjoy it but I feel it's necessary in order for things to be done well and so that the group can sit down with something solid to discuss rather than plucking from the air and getting no where. I thought if I give in my 110% people will at least contribute 10% worth of effort. BUT I AM WRONG!

Before attachment, we were broken into 2 groups and questions assigned to be completed within a time frame. Due to numerous reasons the time frame got stretched and I assume with extra time people will be more prepared (or at least would had already had a rough idea) but NO.... There are those that are truly hardworking and kind. They thrown in their 110% too. But it takes just 1 to make my day a terrible SHIT!

So the story is as such... before attachment I had prepared a rough stretch of the presentation seeking more input from the rest. 2 weeks later YM replied and completed the answers, she had filled in the missing part to my initial draft. SS then told me "Esther, I am so sorry that I didn't help at all. When school reopen, if there is anything that needs to be done, I will do it. ok?" With that remark, I thought she was so sweet to proactively wants to do something for our presentation.

Meeting today... Everything is 89% completed. After a short discussion we conclude that 1 more slide is needed and consolidation of the slides is needed as the group was previously separated into 2 halves to do 2 sets of questions. We are presenting in week23 wed and its week21 wed today. I said that we need to have all the slides ready for rehearsal by week22 wed. BUT!!! SS whom was tasked to consolidate and finalise the slides said NO! She can't do it and she said she DO NOT KNOW how to do a table on a slide!! And that she had to prepare her research presentation slides as well so she can't prepare the slides for this topic. Turning towards me she asked me to do it!!! WHAT?!?! HAD I NOT DONE ENOUGH FOR THE GROUP? AND JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW DOES WHY MUST I TAKE OVER IT? YOU SAID YOU WILL DO IT ONE WHAT?! SO IT IS JUST FOR SHOW IS IT? JUST TALK ONLY MAH NO NEED MONEY IS IT?

I said NO! Then she told me that she don't understand the topic too! *FAINT* We are going to present the topic and you don't know the topic? AND you have the cheek to tell me, you don't know so you can't do it!? I AM SO ANGRY! SO PISS! My face and voice must had changed because someone else intervene and proposed something else. My reaction... whatever lor. If that is what you (the leader) think and want.

Point no. 1:
Out of the 6 pple there, nobody wants to do anything. Only when arrow then do- talking abt
the MS group only here. Silience is GOLD huh?! *scorn* Last presentation I did 70% of the things already leh! (30% from the MH group).

Point no. 2:
I ALSO HAVE MY RESEARCH PREPARATION LOR! The world doesn't only spin around you babe! What you have I have too! You aren't the only poor victim here!

Point no. 3:
Don't always say "esther clever mah. she can handle it one lah". FFFFFFFF u. I am not the one with a Master degree here lor. Your research group give you shit, that's another issue! Don't drag it in!

In conclusion... FUCK myself lar! I can't sit around and wait for people to tell me "why don't we just rehearse with the content rather than having the finalised slides?" I took it upon myself to get the F-Shit done. But I will only add that 1 slide. If not for that stupid Woman meeting, I won't even bother. After that... Ms SS even if you decide not to finalise the changes or design, I won't be bother by that shit anymore! IF U THINK WE WILL NEVER FAIL THEN LETS SIT AROUND AND SEE HOW THEN!

such is the reason why people just don't like some people.

its a treat..for myself

this week is going to be crazy so i turned crrr...a...zzy... hehee...

monday was my physical assessment but having been so used to my 'curtin' ways of doing stuff i couldn't follow the checklist and steps of nyp's 100% so... i heck the guidelines and do whatever is reasonable. extra steps which makes logical sense are better than doing less. the more i try to remember what isn't required, the more stuff i will forget to do. sigh... luck me! i got a simply one, although i would had preferred abdo. =) my take on the test is... aiyo... must practice lor. its not something just because of experience or reading is enough one lor. hands-on registrates better than reading or watching a video. =)

currently struggling with my research stuff and had not even start reading on my med-surg clinical theory. hopefully i won't die young! =P aiyo... not from NHC also must be so expert in ecg interperation and management meh?! =(

throw in the towel

being a leader is to be able to lead. sadly i don't think i can. unless i am sure and confident of the subject we are dealing with i am able to step forward to lead the team. sadly i can't in this research proposal thing. i am really giving it lots of thoughts if i should tell someone else to lead instead. but i fear she might think i am trying to 'siam' my 'duties' (honestly is there even a clear cut on duties or not?) anyway, try as i might but... i am truly losing that zest and even ability to do what is needed of. =(

to my dear friend

i miss all most bonded frds... Bee is going to leave next yr and so is JK. one going to seek her freedom and work else where (far from me...out of sg) and another moving to oversea to study. i am not envying them but damn PROUD of them!

i had been thinking abt them 'leaving' for a long time. i kept wondering why... am i jealous? but i didn't feel it that way then i realised i am even bragging about them to my love ones. then... i think... it must be that i am so proud to have them as my friends. =)

but their 'leaving' makes me wonder... why don't i make friends (not hi-bye sort) easily? why can't i like many of my other classmates/ ex-co workers who get close and dear so easily? hmm... 2 friends down how many more do i have left?! let me count... hmm... hopefully more than 20! anyway now.. to tired to do such coo-coo thing... good night and good bye my readers, friends and love ones...

feelings

its had been an interesting week although i was highly bored, the things that happened in the attachment area were relatively new to me. as much as i thought i might know it, i don't know it all. hard to admit it but yes its true.

so what had i observed? i saw for my 1st time (in my life!) how a human is certified brain died by the drs. too bad he is not a candidate for organs harvesting, if not i might be to see the actions of different surgical teams coming in to 'grab' their harvest. i sound evil? but organ donation is a grand thing! it's giving life for those in need. whether if it is the will of God or not i shall not debate on it since i agree on this proceed.

the place where i am now is a high turn over area, nobody truly develop any feeling for the patients on the bed. partly because of the turn over rate and the fact that the patients are often not too alert (sedated aka 'drugged'). the drugging is so that the patients would attempt to use their last bit of energy and oxygen to try pulling out tubes and lines. the rate of recovery is wonderfully fast too. day 1 patient had collapsed out of hospital -> send in to hospital and resus performed -> patient 'stablised' enough to go to where i am at -> all sort of lines and equipments are hooked up onto patient, day 2 patient is seemingly calm (situation wise) but not out of the woods yet (same are generally almost good enough to be discharge! by then!!) -> treatment continue explore hidden problems & discuss way-forward (treatment wise), day 3 -> patient is weaning off/ totally to off breathing aid now & start sips of water & fully alert now -> to step down care and soon patient is out of the area where i am now.

of cuz there are those that said their goodbyes before even reach the doors of the ward/ just shortly after causing interesting panicks in the ward. still these are human with the breath of life given to them nevertheless by the same Creator.

cost is an issue too all. it's sad to see some people opt the 'cheaper' way out but lives wtih the risk of dying any moment they step out of the hospital. then there are people that are drugged (but not enough because their conditions contra-indicates it) but still struggle to fight the lines, tubes and the equipments. they are in destress cuz they don't understand why and what those are. imagine eating happily 1 moment and a sudden sharp pain after, u are lying in an unknown environment feeling uncomfortable and on top of it u realised that u can't move or even open ur eyes because u r so weak/ drugged! while the patient continue to struggle and attempt weird stuff resulting in the staff screaming instruction and trying their best to explain to patient (TO NO AVAIL!!), the family members are crying by the bedside as if he is dying. theoretically he is...if the treatment is not helping him enough to tidal over this dangerous period. as i stood there trying to make sure the patient is not force the restrainer open or breaking it while patting him to comfort him, his family stood there touching him and crying, in my broken malay i understood that the daughter was trying to tell the dad to 'bear with it, the pain, the uncomfortable-ness and the tubes". his wife just stroked his bald head and crying, his grandson was at a lost not knowing why everyone was crying, equipment was beeping and the nurse was the only one not crying. i can't respond, i can't give resurrance for it may be all false and nothing hurts more than hearing another person saying kind words to "entertain" in such situation. thus... i slowly left the room feeling helpless and sad for the family.

in conclusion, i wish i will not be posted to such setting. i prefer human interaction, where we (regardless nurses or patients) can laugh out loud together and be well; where i can predict the future base on the patients' lab results and clinical features. but where will i be posted after my graduation? i wonder.... hopefully... a general ward with AIR CON!!! given my condition i really can't stand heat!! argh...

time to study

i have some serious issue with studying. i AM truly doing it only i am reading the wrong thing at the wrong time. my pending bio test is becking me to read read read but here i am doing and reading other things! crazy!!!

i am what i am

incident 1
i realised that there is this 1 girl that often look unhappy whenever i talk during discussion. she must be thinking that i am overbearing, not leader but still act as if is. i agree i am a bit strong in my views and most of the time i think its the best. lol. but hor... if the leader is so gentle and everyone want to spend hours after hours just to talk opps... i meant discuss; i don't want lor... i love to spend the time thinking, sleeping, eating, shitting, watching tv (even if i had seen that show a million times!).

so today she show that face again... *sigh* the only time i see her hype up and happy is when the leader is indeed taking charge! lol... so... what i did? i bluff bluff ask for her views and thoughts and when she said nothing/ agreed with me... i fast fast skip her and settle the issue. lol. idiotic right? she might had some real concern but i just did the 'if u don't like me, i don't have to like u too' stunt again. lol. i want to slap myself sometime!

incident 2
there was a meeting, 2 person didn't show up. whatever reason it was i didn't bother cuz the meeting wasn't something very productive and plus i was late myself. heehee... (double standard)

anyway...so when we tried to brief them what's going on and what to prepare for the next meeting, 1 person slowly drift off to talk to someone else. i fume sia... the environment was so noisy already and u never go meeting just now and now still like that. so i said "xyz can listen to this 1st or not? don't let pple repeat 2 time lar" my tone must be terrible but maybe i meant it! lol!! so xyz return to the briefing the gentle leader so nice... repeat everything again. then later xyz and her someone else said sorry and explain her behavior, i joke joke and said never mind.

actually i really never mind lar. just that at that point of time, i think basic respect should had been observed lor. but whatever and however...gentle leader that's ur call to manage the grp lar. even if it's not the style that i prefer or even if i think the management should had been better, i don't bother lar. why make enemies when we can make love!? lol... figure of speech only not really that act of .... lol...

exsa

hey hey!! i am an exsa gold! it is a service award so last year i got sliver, this year gold. i am thankful for that. heard some people may get sliver last year but was not nominate this year. such award as mindless as it is (or as propagandised as is!), i like... heheee....

we hang around doing stupid plastic role play, quize and discuss about case scenarios. of cuz in the comfort of a cool room, quiet environment and with no demands imposed on us other then 'answer the following qns' everyone can give the best and most beautiful answers (standard customer service answers!). its not realistic at all!! but i certainly don't mind the break from school and free tea break! lol... its fun to mix with pple from different wards and singhealth grp. =) maybe i am in my happy mood that's why! lol...

so at the end of the session what did i learn? hahahahahaa... stay plastic = stay afloat! afterall plastic float mah!!! if u want to be burnt out fast, try being geninuely caring and kind to everyone (including those u really really dislike/ hate!) u will most certainly be a good follower of Christ in 'love ur neighbours (enemies) as u love ur self' but u will have so much struggles that u will be so so so tired and doubt if u r being 'plastic'! alternatively u can try the 'i must the true to myself (and everyone ard me)' stance; u cry when u r sad/ u shout when u r angry/ u skip work if u don't feel like it... result will be that u will be the no.1 to get sack, couselling and to write memos! lol.. the good part is... u r 100% real and u get to see the management heads that most pple don't get to see most of their work-life! lol...

so this is life... learn to love urself, love those that u love/ like, embrace those that u don't love/ like but if u really can't do it don't force urself! the person that upset u ALL THE TIME will not go crazy but u will... cheers.. have a happy holiday!! (oh yes! live everyday like its a holiday, eat and be merry!)

rumble and tumble

picked up one of my hubby's book called the 5 temptation of a CEO. although i am not a CEO (at least not yet! lol), i found the book is applicable for even normal layman who is in the leadership position. being it a grp leader or a supervisor, it is a good read. the book is a little like the book 'fish' it uses a simple story to bring the points across, the best part is the fonts are big and the spacing is wide enough!

t1- u only care abt ur image and ur label/ branding
t2- accountability and transparency (w ur team)
t3- decision (mission, vision, target)
t4- need to be popular (avoid pointing mistakes cuz u want to be liked by pple)
t5- need to maintain harmony
(a little like t4 huh? but the book did point out the differences; a healthy and well argument
can get things moving in the right direction!)
hmm... i think i got it wrong somewhere but what the heck!! lol... i aint no CEO man! =P

my temptation as a human is all of the above!! i care a little too much of how pple think of me so i try to maintain my image. although it's starts as a good motivation, it easily burns one out! as for accountability, i struggle with it too. I want to be like so at times i beat around the bushes but if it really burns me (e.g. threaten my image!? lol) - i never doubt my ability to tear the person up! of cuz the reason behind that needs lots of examination! lol.

as for decision... i am fast to make a decision and communicate it down the only problem is not all decision is a good one. i admit i had made a fair bit of wrong ones... just like what the pastor said a wrong decision that is not originated from God will has consequence that we might have to bear for a long long time to come. another area is am i brave enough to admit it is a WRONG decision and pull the plug on it???

as for the part where i need to be popular... i don't think the word popular is the right word but to be liked...yes. sometime i bend my rules (if it doesn't hurt anyone) in order to please all. i suppose when i am at such a low level it doesn't hurt much but if u deal with millions of dollars it will! but then again i deal with human lives!! hmm... so far my bending of rules apply to small things only... so ... hmm... i duno leh...

tying in to the harmony part... i am a seeker of peace, love and joy. so yes, i avoid confrontation at all cost! even if it seems harmless enough, i hate the screaming and the emotions involve. i like quick fixs! give me the solutions not the problems, if not why do i even employ u! that was what my manager used to tell me when she talk abt some of the management meetings (not nursing!). she would comment how some managers will just throw tons of problems onto the tables and shoot down any suggestion of possible rectification and all the while waiting for their head to 'solve' their problems. just like an adult that sits on his bum crying for food, while they should (surely they do!) have the ability to get the food or find ways to get it. ... so for my case of harmony vs arguement (of any sort) ...i will try to see where the discussion is heading and if its all about demanding with everyone bitching abt stuff at official meeting slots, i will suggest for time out/ get them to deal with those problem and come back again for meeting another time. its really dumb to sit around and just talk!! i don't like...but some management book likes it! they said it generates ideas and possibilities. i had yet to see a successful (such) meeting so i am totally skeptic of it! of cuz there is always the easiest way out!! walk out of the meeting altogether! lol...but that does not reflect very well on my leh... (back to temptation 1! lol)

rebooting

its been weird.... not that i am trying to self praise or be proud but... am i popular or what!? lol... but i don't really like such attention or rather demand for my attention. =( i like it smooth and with my target achieve [PERIOD] very selfish, i agree but in the process of achieving my target, benefits go to those around me.

recently... i found calls from other sub-grp members to me. huh?! asking me things from computer "how to delete that extra page in my doc" to venting their frustration regarding school. and the point was... i am not even close with them! of course unless they felt they are close with me!? its really hard to provide help to people that i am not close with (that explains why i am not in tele-customer service ) cuz i don't know how to react nor what to say. *shake head*

during lessons (practical tat's it- the only thing i think i am good at), i like to do it, get the concept and move on. grp practice is good when the common goal is the same and everyone helpful. sometime when the others want to do A and i want B, i will move to join whoever was doing B. but i realised there are a handful (not much really) that will want others to help them- check if they are doing the right thing or not, but when they are suppose to return the favor... they just say "i can't leh. i'm very stupid one leh. i don't know leh" woa lau..... these people are the classic passive aggressive sort i felt. 1 thing was too much, so ever since that this lady had been on my blacklist.

such built up of grumbles and 'unjust' had been eating me inside. before i blame others for my failure, i must let it out of my system and get back to my orginal state of me....

rebooting in progress.........................................=)

rumbles and grumbles.

1. bengawasolo cake is dry and really eekkyy
2. some pple just lack the leadership and confidence
   (regardless how old they r or how clever they may be)
3. ice-cream + cornflake is not a good combo
4. mothers tend to be really naggy
5. my mom is certainly a type A personality (ok, me too)
6. people are often too polite to be nasty
7. my over concern and expectation is a killer (killing me)
8. my total disengagement after any event of disappointment is not good for my social life
9. i am too rigid and too full of myself at times
10. i am not really very helpful and friendly
    (so stop PISSING me off & stop think i am the expert!!!)
11. pay is good, nursing isn't
12. people are kind in nature but things just go really wrong along the way
13. electric violin is good and damn cool
14. going according to the instructed is way more tougher than doing the disapproved way
15. i rather score lower but is answerable to my conscious
16. everyday is a new learning experience

a few things happened over the past 48 hrs that make me BOIL but for my personal mental health i had let it be but its still fuming within. trying to do my couseling assignment but hitting nails and thumbtacks along the way. thankfully my Hb is 12 enough for my to bleed for a long time before collapsing! lol...

break wk (11)

its week 11 which is to say i had studied for almost 3 months already! 5 more months to official byebye NYP. today i went back to school for skill practice.

IA line com'on baby!
ECG no problem til you ask me to interperet it. =P
suction not too bad but damn u if u want me to go solo on an intubate pt (whats the close system for huh!? tell me!!)
Prepare for intubation? hmm... not so sure abt it but pray hard hard not my test skill!
cardio monitoring and defil. bring it on baby!! VT, VF, AF, AV, PEA- watever u maybe!

so am i ready for the skill test? hmm... honestly i prefer real life to clinical test! =P *touch wood* i think i am ready but i need to buck up on my theory part. what is that for and why is and not that? skill-wise sure can pass one lar but if want me to explain i will err...orh....err...

bio result is out. and guess wat!!! *drum roll* i got A!!! heehee... i didn't really study and i got it! when i heard 1 failure i tot it sure me already but nah... not me!! lucky nobody took up my bet if not i will be broke now! =P for some werid reason this selfish me felt so unjust for those classmates of mine. they studied so hard and was rattling standard answers during our group discussion but got C or at most B only. i feel angry... how can like that!?!?

i wonder why i had felt so strongly for those classmates and i realised maybe that is a trait of being mature?! the childish me would jump ard in pride and joy telling pple my achievement and forcing my joy upon others. but now i am actually stand in other's position and shut my trap up.

from my post, u may had guess it...i am fine now. the initial days after i start my meds it was terrible. now i am slowly getting use to the bitter-after taste and the feel emotionally uplifted. hanging out with my brothers, sister and mummy does wonder! even if i didn't talk much abt my prob/ tots or cry being with them makes me feel filled and whole. =) thank you people, thank you my dear Creator.

thyroidism

this is great just great... my bld result is back and my T4 is high although my TSH is normal. Hb is great 12. great just great... i finally find the reason for my

Palpitations
Nervousness
"alertness" (insomnia)
Breathlessness
Increased bowel movements
Light or absent menstrual periods
Fatigue
Fast heart rate
Trembling hands (some days only)
Warm moist skin
Hair loss
Staring gaze

these are the s/s of hyperthyroidism. what a joke! none of my family members has it and i don't have that classic physical features. my eyes aren't popping out, my hands aren't shaking all the time and i don't have a enlargen gland!

my take is that my hectic work demand on the job (esp) is killing me slowly. screwing my glands and driving me in a weird human. babies making can be a gone case totally if i am going to have to be on med.

treatment as for as a train RN (me) can tell is- med til the s/s are controlled, no seaweeds, no seafood and preferably no babies. how now? the road ahead seems rather dark. well.... welcome to darkness i suppose.... this is where luke's lao bei turns into darth vader

u make me smile =)

today i pop in to the ntuc pharamcy near my flat for a quick glance and something in my advance dip uniform and when i pop back out of it i was stopped by a familiar face. my ex-patient's son! he is such a caring son (to his mom) that everyone in my room will remember him. he will speak to his mom and sayang her, talk to her in their teochew dialect and even sing to her! wow... i remember the singing part because his mom was nurse next to our nursing counter and that was the time when that little nyonyah show was on... that's the guy that sing to his dying mom remember? =P

so anyway he said hi to me and i asked how am i. he thot i had changed job and is now working at the pharmacy! lol... i said no lar. i am studying now and i ask how he was too. then i asked why he was in this area, i tot his mom was hospitalised again. (his mom always come in as DIL-Max Ward Management one!!) but thank God he was just walking around the plaza for leisure. heehee... we exhanged a few more words then bid good bye.

its really sweet to be greeted by ex-patients/ family. embrassing, yes but really really sweet. =)

heaven is a wonderful...

heaven is a wonderful place,
full of glory and grace,
i want to see my saviour's face,
heaven is a wonderful place.

the more i study (regarding medicine but not medicine) the more i feel the saddness in a really ill human. not as if they want to be born that way (congenital diseases) nor can they choose to continue to live (intubate, medicine/ surgical treatment) or die. because death is a taboo word even in the westen world. if u r sick, so sick that the drs and u mutally understand the days are limited, u must continue to live even if its painful and tortmenting to u. even if u want to live, the disease will eventually come and eat u up. u can prolong that life but u can't enhance the quality of it?!

i am not against treatment and surgery. i am all for it. yet, i think pallative care is too 'new-age' for it to be used across the board. if medical-surgical trained nurses are "jacks of all trades", the pallative nurses are so too. dying is a great topic to learn, its a process helping the patient and those around him/her getting through it is not easy but certainly fulfilling. when death eventually occurs, the pallative nurse no longer is just a nurse to them but had already become family, become friend.

after my basic dip, i went for deg. and now i am doing my adv dip. what else next i sometime will think about it. masters? (so i can fulfill my dream? afterall i am not young anymore.) but i felt if i really do that, it will be just a pure persude of paper and the need for a stepping stone to the next level. think and think... i thought maybe i will do another dip. in pallative care. afterall ever one will die (and needs too!) and its a good business. =P okay economic-wise i need to think of my earning and keeping rite? but emotionally i think its a beautiful job, just like mid-wives find delivery babies beautiful. =)

so what's next in the coming 2010? i no babies, no rupture (yah, its a Godly thing) -which i wonder if i will qualify or not cuz i am really not that good girl leh and no hiccups....i think that is what i will be doing. although hopefully the babies and rupture part will come true! heheee... if i really kena brought up to heaven... then all my non-believers suritiees will pull hair liao... cuz need to pay my bond $$!! lol...

wk 7 and going

its week 7 of sch and i am tuning in to the rhythm and demand. although there is constantly little/no supply, the demand is endless! lol...

bio test wk 8, med-surg test wk 9 and my degree last exam (hopefully nothing happens) in that wk 9 too. *sweat*

field visit had brought me to places (actually 3 only so far. =P) i felt general ward w speciality focus is well... just a general ward (in my view), people are more friendly and patients are happier (is it because they are more well?). HD setting... err... i think its something that i can handle. patients are generally rather well but not 100% yet, communcation with patients is easier but maybe the visitor's restriction limit patients aren't generally very cheerful but good for nurses, peace and quietness but enough communication to cheer one up. ICU... i don't like! people must be very stress there, not friendly- team work yes but on the job goofy-ness *shake head* nah... they aren't very friendly or approachable i feel. but my "smelly-face" will fit that setting best cuz everyone is like that even when not so busy. too stressful i felt, even when things are fine they are just waiting for things to happen so very tense up. also the patients are so so messy with all the different tubes, cables and lines sticking in and out of them. very messy i don't like. plus patients are generally just sleeping (is it cuz the air-con?! good to sleep mah) all the time, even when their aren't they are just too weak/ breathless/ restless (due to abnormal pH, etc) to hold a quality conversation. oh... and the families must be very anxious sort, i can't really stand people coming to me every hour, min and day just for updates. although i understand the feeling of helplessness and anxiety, i am just a human not a saint who just want to get my work done before tell people "i feel your concern about your papa's condition, would you like to talk about it and let me see how i can help you."

heard a friend is pending promotion to SSN, post-adv dip. i am glad for him and i am sure he will fit the position well with his organized thought process and great EQ. then i thought... what about me? no...i am not jealous about his promotion! i am fearful that i might not be wise enough, smart enough and totally unable to fit into the SSN position, if the door open for me after grad. what if i cannot explain the pathophysiology and dx management to the patients, my jrs and even myself? what if i can't recognise an abnormal ECG, IA/ CVP reading or fail to explain the actions of the medicines? can i really fit into that position, that expectation?

that fear sort of overcomes me then i thought... my desire to be an APN run my own pracitice. if i can't even be a SSN how the hell can i be an APN and allow patients to trust me and let me hold their hands thru illness and death.

*sigh*....

its tuesday

yes, tuesday and my 1st grp presentation. i WAS disappointed to the point of wanting to vomit blood and jumping off the building at the stage of preparing the slides and etc. haha... i always do the both that sometime it lose its impact! haha... anyway back to the story.

the source for my frustration was a couple of people that did not seem to know how to answer to the question and when they do seems to see the light they were quick to lose it. sad for them. selfish me says "its ok let them be" but helpful me slaps myself and says "if they don't get it, we will all sink and die. help them!!" so... the helpful me wins...violence always win anyway.

to help them (and myself actually) i re-did their work (i was technically doing at least 50-60% of all the work!!!) and then i had to explain to them how the pathophysiology was. i was so pissed!! i had stayed up til 5am, sleeping only 2-3hrs to get things in place and...... argh.... OMG!!! if u had told me u had read it up, should not u then at least understand it enough to relate to the charts and pointers i arranged?! i know full well that i looked terrible (black face, grumy..) and i sound terrible (snappy, etc) but i did not shout at them. so i did my best at controlling myself. i was just *sigh* ...let it be... i think the next level is to learn how to smile at pple who hurt me but habour evil thots within?! lol... maicham like some hong kong drama...

getting off the track, i realised that i had changed! i used to scream and insist things go MY WAY but now i keep it in and use my action to demand it to be my way but if it doesn't i will just sulk a little and let it be. is that a sign of maturity? (i am 30+ it better be! lol) or had i become so care-less that i don't bother to want to change anything anymore!? i dunnoe really.

back to the presentation... today i am at peace. i no longer care if the girls understand or not. the slides had been submitted and our fate is sealed. wheneven when our time was running out and we didn't manage to complete our presentation. i was fine. pple had wanted to talk abt things i told them no need and stretch out the time, i am fine. i only presented 1 slide! lol... better still no need to talk that much. although a little sad that my effort (put into the preparation) is not fully exhibited. i can just say... i did my part and i am at peace with myself and God. =]

another event that shook me a little was the new addition of a friend in my facebook. someone that i thot had DIED had added me as friend! its serious i will not lol. there are really very very very few friends that i really will call as friend-friend sort. most of those pple are just pple that i had spent a good period of time with and that i had gotten along well with. but this friend is a friend. when i allow someone into my heart, i will care and truly feel for her/him. although i may not act it out often nor talk abt it day n nite, i do. yes.. i have serious issue with bonding and trust. =(

so this friend which i thot will be a life long friend had finally came back into my life after a long time being away. i had always thot of her as my best friend, in the past! am i happy? i can't decide for now. after all she had 'left' me long time ago, refusing to answer my call and just as if she was died her everything abt her vanish out from my life. i wasn't one that wanted it but she had. i didn't know her reasons and i don't intend to now. i think bits of my heart had die along with her disappearance. i used to wonder why she had done what she did, was it because she was ill and didn't want anyone to know? did she run into some prob? maybe she left sg to somewhere else? 4 yrs after... i don't really bother anymore.

now that she had return, what is she to me and how will i relate to her? i am still thinking. but 1 thing that kept coming back to me was... never ever talk to a friend or in fact anyone abt money (of possible link to money) issue. be it loaning or lending money or even asking pple to sign ur bond or guarantee anything. pple can just disappear after such thing, even if they r online as evidenced by the status they r on msn/ facebook. its just vanished....

afterall these things, i realised i had grew to be more cynatic abt things. but i find it really hard to smile and say hi to pple that had hurt me or that i personally don't feel particularity comfortable with. perhaps that's the problem when i make a pledge to GOd not to lie again. sigh... i think i miss God, miss Him so much that i just wish that i can just be where He is forever and never get emotionally moved or disturbed by things, humans or even animals!

boy...damn it... sound all so depress and shit... np... i will recover. i just need a good sleep and happy foods. asa asa fighting esther!

@ random

i reserve my rights to talk about anything i want to. just a random statement. =)

headache.. not a figure of speech but literally that. wonder why my ICP is raised. perhaps not enough sleep. school is finally getting interesting... after the heart system... everything else is interesting!!! heehee... we had a lecture on brian and the lecturer is damn cool. i like everything about her- her style of teaching (clear and straight to the point), her poise, her dressing, etc. the lung had been interesting too but i felt too much had been poured into the heart system. maybe its a compensation for those coming from the cardio-thoraxic area- such a specialise and important area but there isn't any specialised cert. for this group of tanlets.

my body is aching. my assignment is due but the bit of writting up my assignment is a terrible. i hate to write. despite my desire and goal to be an APN which requires at least a master degree, i think i will be happy to settle for less? argh... age is a factor, my unwillingliness to write more assignment another and of cuz money is yet another. my dream of having my own practice/ medical home is seemingly going to brust. if only i had firmed out my goals still the day i was born wasn't it great? yet we human can't make up our mind on what we want and spend time skirting round the real important stuff til it too late.

the back of my neck hurts and sometime i can even feel my brain going into a spasm. heehee.. if i ever stroke out during my course of study will i still have to pay back the bond deed? lol.. getting old is no joke man! too many health issue to worry abt... i am still in denial stage, thus explain the mindless eating. =_=

present...

i gotten a "WONDERFUL" gift from my new school its running nose. anyway keen to receive the gift just find a seat in random in my lecture hall/ class and breath deeply. to be more proactive in getting the gift, run to the nearest person or the person who had been coughing the loudest and choose either of the following: 1- hug her/him 2- use ur hand and touch her nose/ mouth and in turn do the same to u nose/mouth 3- smear ur face onto her/his table (surely the cough droplet had landed around there) 4- request to sit infront of her/him and have her/her cough all over ur hair and don't wash it for days. there u have it... the wonderful ways to get the wonderful gift.

wanna scream!

the tutors are plain yucky!!! my o my.. how can it be?!?!?! i suppose if the person that had gotten the job to work in a teritary setting surely this person/ people ought to had gotten good education to work as a 'teacher' of some sort. but *sigh*... i want to scream!!! honestly if i can rattle off all the results of a normal ABG and can is able to read the results, i won't be sitting in the room. and if the method of teaching is to 'drill this concept and reading in to your brain" then kindly explain how on earth are we (no, ME) going to remember the reading only after 1 min (or maybe 1/2 a sec) of u flashing ur slides? the concept of giving the notes out after lesson, i know... to reduce distraction but surely r u positive it works (any literature/s to support?) while the audiences are learners? notes will help the learner refer and verify the taught. i simply have no idea why young kids need to buy textbooks then. maybe MOE should just issue them the book after the entire yr is over?! *shake fist*

perhaps i am getting over judgemental. the tutors have too much up their sleeves handling us and the other courses learners. but... the stress had indirectly been channel to us, so why can't i then complaint? (no no.. i nvr email/ write letter) pls get organised!!

no. 2!! will those pple that are coughing STAFF included pls wear a mask! everyone are healthworker (or were in some point) can't understand the importance meh? with the swin flu (H1N1, i stand corrected) going ard still (its not even GREEN YET!!!) is it so hard to be a little street smart to be more aware and be careful?!?! I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO WEAR A MASK TOMOR!!! IDIOTS COUGHERS COUGH ALL U WANT AND U WILL SEE ME HANDING U A MASK. DAMN IT!

so wat if u rn't having a fever?! u rn't god and nobody want any part of ur body fluid or virus!!

school had just started for barely 2 weeks and flu type A hits. clinical field trips had been hold off, actually i am in a way glad. we can have more time to study or to prepare for the assignment and presentation. although i am interested to observe what goes on in different disciplines and wards, i doubt wat 1 day can impart to us.

all my co-workers back in the ward are complaining abt the mask, the heat, the visitors, etc. but on the hindsight, lesser visitors and lesser 'anything also want to admit" patients. i think its a great time to work now, nurses can really give their undivided care to their patients. of cuz i can imagine the amount of phone calls!! if the relatives can't be there to pester the nurses physically, there is always other ways to do so.

i wish my friends well and hope nothing will befall on them. 1 courage award is enough, i pray we will never have to start another courage award in the name of another healthcare worker. i wonder how are the 2 boys of fatimah coping after their mom's departure yrs ago.

a dumping ground?

it was not the first time hearing it but its sad and makes me wonder abt myself too. many people had told me so-and-so was sent for adv.dip because the ward sister want to 'kick' him/her out it was the best and softest way to do so. i wonder if i belong to the cat. because on talking/ listening to other classmates, i seems to have all those undesired traits that they 'hate' back in their ward.

this makes me wonder... if i was 'kick' out. but on 2nd tot, even if the bosses had grown to dislike my mannerism and unsmiley ways, and 'kicked' me. that was what i want to do. so i shouldn't let feeling over-rules me. i am fine the way i am and so i will make the best of my learning opportunity and be at ease with myself.

today's presentation went smoothly! everything was great..great...great!!! i so want to shout out to the world, to be proud and boastful. we did it so well that the others after us seems to 'copy'. heee.... also we covered so much ground that without a doubt the words 'diligent' was written all over our faces! lol... the other teams were presenting on things that are already in place/ on pliot. all they need were to copy and bring out the protocol but we did from bottom up. so i am proud of us being so hardworking. shortcut will not lead to learning but i realised many are there just to pass and get the paper.

BAD THINKING!!!

its sad... when u live in denial

advance science had not allow us to cure cancer! i like that statement, its frank, its blunt but its true. we can avoid it, reduce it and maybe try to remove it hoping it won't come back again. but what the nature had dished to us, we got to accept it at some point or other.

ethical problem- cancer pt is at her last stage of her disease, she is going to die this way or that. will you encourage chemotherapy again? aiming to reduce the size of the growth and to slow it down. pt however will be suffering the side-effect of it and with her reduced immunity infection may set in during the cause of chemo. when that happens, the infection may be so bad that it may even cost her to depart earlier. the patient is unable to decide for herself as she is sub-normal and she leaves decision making to her family.

as a person that had seen the pain in the eyes of that pt, my tot was why reduced her pain but prolong her suffering? yet her family was keen in every measure to preserve her life. not that i want her to die but where is the quality of life if the only sole target is to lengthen her stay on earth? the family is clearly in denial. they think she will overcome it but the drs had told them its stage 4- cancer cells are moving everywhere!

now that she is gone. the family is lodging a complaint on this and that. days after she had departed the family is still in denial, thinking/ blaming others for the death. why did you do this or that when she was like that....etc. etc. yet the order was for basic comfort care which meant to say to make her comfort in her last days, hours and minutes. we aren't going to aggressive bring her back to life if she was gone. the basic comfort care order was made after a family conference and family agreed on that. yet i wonder if they truly understand what that meant cuz it seems they wanted more.

i am totally dishearten by the family that 1 moment was shaking our hands and thanking us for the care we gave to the pt and yet on the other moment writting in to complaint. i wonder what does the decease think abt it. cuz i believe nobody can understand and feel more than the pt, herself. had we done enough? did we delay the respond? could anything be better?

emotion wells up within me as i type this. i am glad she is gone, gone to be at peace with her maker. if the complaint comes through and i got to be call back to answer for the many questions thrown onto the table, i will gladly take my stand and be grounded on my answers and believes. i had done all that i could, i treated her with utmost respect, i had came to love her more than a pt and my love was pure. she was almost like a dear sister to me, if i was to nurse my own sister i won't do any more or less than that.

life is short and dying is real. we are all dying, its a process that had started the moment we were born only hasten by means or accidents and illness.

a gentle pull onto my heart-string

i am now travelling daily (most) to another part of singapore. i need to change trains or bear with a long bus trip (almost end to end) or of cuz spend lots of money on cab. my only way to save a little, is to try to avoid taking cab but if need be i still have to. the cab fare is 3x my regular fare from home to the hospital!!! heart-pain, wallet dry!! woawh.... i would normal take the train home to try to save some $$.

on 1 very drained and mentally clustered day, on a train ride home, i saw a young mother w her child (in the pram). she was standing as there weren't any seats available. standing directly across the train from her, i could see her rather clearly. i saw the movement of those little limbs. the child was playing with her(i think its a girl) fingers and trying to pull her socks off. then she started grabbing the hold-bar next to her pram. i guess bar being cold was rather interesting to her cuz she kept tapping the bar and trying to hold it with her small little hands. the lady sitting in the seat next to the hold-bar looked really tired and she look rather sad (maybe cuz too tired?!). the child's hands occassionally will 'drop' onto the lady's lap whenever she fails to grab the hold-bar. the mother might not had realised that, if not i am sure she will tell the child not to touch strangers.

afterawhile the child's hand found new pleasure in touching the lady's legs! her movements were so gentle and seems like sayang-ing (stroking) the lady in a very comfortable and reassuring manner. the lady's expression relaxes as she stared at the child. i think the child smiled and her and the lady smiled back. the tiny fingers than stretch out and as if asking to grab the lady's fingers. it was really a touching moment for me at that point. yes, i do get touch, amused and inspired by the tiniest little things in life. the lady did not offer her fingers but reminded smiling to the child. next stop.... beep beep beep.. it was time for good byes, i walked out for the train and was left wondering... what happened to the child and the lady next.

its amazing how that tiny child get so powerful and influence an otherwise sad looking, tired person to cheer up. =)

new class new adjustment

not all mature learners possess the same quality. although we had all worked a certain numbers of years before jumping back to school the feeling i got from my current classmates is totally different from our accelerated class back then. hmm... i wonder if it is because we are advancing instead of the basic? or if its because even if all had been working for the past years, the actual age is still relatively young? hmm... organisation can still improve, communication too. and my lecturer should really work on less intimidating her students. if we are studying because we are stress but not truly enjoying it, i feel damn sad. i am feeling damn sad now. instead of enjoying myself learning new things, i am cursing it whenever she ask us to pull out a piece of paper to do an impromtu test. i am targetting to be politically correct because this is an open blog (i don't intend to close it anyway), i need to watch my back in case someone from somewhere sees it. still... being critical, judgemental and still adjusting, i have nothing much more than grumble and sigh sigh sigh. i hope things will turn better but i seriously doubt it. i don't think the entire class will be exteremly cohesive but as long as we are 'glued' enough to get it moving along, i think it should be fine. yah... i'm back.. the jaded one.

the goodbyes

ever heard a death rattle as loud as a drum? i had! and this time it was hard to break it to the ever-hopeful family. honestly i hate those dr/staff that wants to play it safe by giving hope to the people that are clearly at the end of the road already. no, i don't mean to hurt but at least state the fact and prepare those people.

it was clear that she was going, i told her sister- "she is not looking good." sister cried. according from my other staff, another sister had consulted a chinese 'dr' that told them that everything is well its just the phlegm that is causing the problem otherwise with that phlegm gone the patient will still be good enough to fight the disease. when i heard that i wanted to kill that so called chinese 'dr', its crazy to raise the family hope to great height only to crush it when the reality hits.

i didn't want to be down right evil by saying "ya, going to die anytime now" but honestly i stated the fact, it will be soon. but the soon came a little too soon, i tot it will be at least 1 more day but... i am glad she is no longer suffering. yet at the same time, the wailing disturbed me... so much that i got to step in and ask the family to set her off in peace. i believe when the body stop functioning, the soul/ spirit is still present. seeing the other sisters crying and calling a dead body to wake up, will really ache the leaving spirit/soul. so i asked the sisters to say something good, nice or soothing to set her free and also to send her in peace. the wailing turned to muffed crying. i felt their pain. it was the same location that their mom was packed, years ago. how weird?!

i am glad i had relieved her suffering just before i go. as the sisters held my hands and called me to thanks me, i said "i am glad that i did the last office for your sister cuz i am leaving already. seeing her relieve of her suffering i am really thankful" weird things to say hor? but of cuz i did the politically right thing by telling them to look on the brighter side and keep their spirits up.

another girl (a long-stayer) was sad too. she knew that patient was not looking well already but the wailing and crying made her wanted to cry too. lucky (God is great!), someone came to visit her and they spoke for a long time. i think that took her mind off the other patient. with the back 1/2 only left with 2 patients after the patient is brought to mortuary, i wonder can they sleep tonight or will they be spooked by the event?! hmm... i shall have the answer cm am. =)

deja vu?

back to school yesterday to seal my fate for the next 8 months or so. the feeling of getting back to school where i crampled my 2 years reading and making sense studying is really weird. everything is the same yet so different. i went to the library after submitting my documents and found my ex-classmates studying in there. it felt like we are still classmates but the fact is that they are students there but i am not (at least not yet). it was nice to be in a library, the stillnes of the air with voices interacting in hush hush manner with the fear of being picked by the librarian felt great. but the smell of the dirty carpet nearly suffocated my to death! lol... yah, its great to be a student (full-time) again!

nothing is constant in life only..changes. change is inevitable and although i thought i love changes, i am wrong. i prefer not the boat not to rock when the wave is still and the air is fresh of cuz unless i am the one that initial the rocking. heehee..

in the past when there is massive movement such as people leaving/ transfering out, i get upset and depress but now when i hear others leaving or witness others transfering out, i keep my cool and smile. perhaps its cuz i don't throw in as much feelings and desire bonding with others? afterall people are bound to leave and eventually it just me alone, so saving the heartache and painful goodbyes.

my workplace will surely be different when i am back in 1 year time. but then again... i might never step into my current ward again. =_=

a good news

nearing the end of the wick...that's how burnt out i am. day in and out the same old same old. waiting for the august to seal my fate, to stay or to stray. then an alternative pop up, advance dip? so... i waited and waited and finally the result came, i am accepted! =) keekee...

i was initally planning to leave after august, if i was not offered anything. =p go to another org. and experience different things, or at least go to another ward to learn new stuff. being accepted in med-surg give me exposure to increasing more things and diseases. i think the stress level is going to be high but the thrill of learning (if only with no exam!!!) is wonderful. plus tat will means sat and sun and public holiday will be officially off!!! lol... =)

rumbles...

taxi drivers must be hit hard these days that they must restort to dishonest way/s to get more money in the most justified way.

my recent and numerous encounters-> tell mr cab driver to stop "here pls", he will move the car a little more and til the $$ jumps another 20 cents then stop completely. the 1st few times, i thot never mind its only 20 cents. but now i think it totally dishonest and shamless! the tactic of moving the car, forces the client to stay on the cab, who in their right mind will jump out of the car?! but also when the car is struck in a taxi-stand, but i am running late already, i just want to hop out of the cab and run into the building but mr taxi driver will step on his accelerator to 'pump out more petrol" to increase the fare. *pull hair*

recession = an increase in crooks?

wound workshop

interesting workshop. but i wonder why only S&N doing such talks? it seems the other companies aren't very interested in getting out business? we are talking of MASsIVe amount of $$, why aren't they doing the much needed marketing and advertisement? perhaps they don't have enough $ to start the money rolling in or the lack of expert? hmm,....

i found 1 area particularly interesting to me. flushing the wound with solution vs the traditional cleansing with guaze/ cotton dipped in solution. i remembered being taught by someone (wonder who...hmm..) that if we cleansed with the guaze/ cotton we can mechanically "wipe" off the 'dirt' or whatever that is sitting on the surface of the wound but if we flush the wound the 'dirt' would not be totally cleared out. so i had always support the traditional method of cleansing the wound unless left with no choice (deep but with narrow entrance wound) then i will have to flush. yet i still disapproved flushing cuz not all of the 'dirty solution' will be flushed out... err... hard to explain maybe let me draw an example...

-> the patient's wound cavity is 4 cm deep and 5 x 7 cm wide. slough covered the surface of the wound and the exudate is moderate. let says we flush the wound with N/S and by means of gravity, the top of the wound is adequately cleansed via the flushing method but... the top of the wound kept having a pool of 'used solution' building up. the area in my view is thus not totally or thoroughly cleansed. although we will end our cleansing with drying the wound with gauze but... the bottom was still not cleansed. instead of saying it was flushed clean, i would think of it as soaked. (get me point?)

so when the Sis said we should FLUSH the wound, i was a bit err... in doubt. but my co-workers all agreed that it should be the way to go. hmm... o_O?? i wondered. so i got on to curtin univ. library online to search for research paper to support my view. this is what i found...

13psi irrigation using a 30-60ml syringe with a 18-20G needle versus cleansing with gauze Infection One controlled trial without randomisation (Hollander et al 1998) compared wound infections and cosmetic appearance in wounds (non-bite, non-contaminated, facial and scalp lacerations) that were irrigated with normal saline and those that were cleansed with gauze and normal saline. No difference in infection rates between the groups was noted however, optimal cosmetic appearance at the time of suture removal was higher in the non-irrigation group.

but the situation above is on clean wound (which should heal regardless of lor) and i also saw this...

Healing One trial (Griffiths et al 2001 ), undertaken on chronic wounds, reported that there was no statistically significant difference in the number of wounds that healed after cleansing with tap water or normal saline. However, it should be noted that this trial was of a low power to detect a clinically important difference as statistically significant (49 wounds and only three infections).

Cost analysis The use of tap water was reported to be inexpensive compared to the use of normal saline in the only RCT that reported this outcome (Griffiths et al2001). In 2001, the estimated cost per dressing using normal saline was AUD$1.43 plus the cost of the dressing, compared to AUD$1.16 using tap water. The trial also indicated that if the wound was cleansed during showering, the only cost would be the dressing. Additional costs for the saline group included staff time, and materials and equipment used for the dressings.

interesting....

show u something very funny

was doing some research on F.Nightingale and these were what she said!

"if the nurse is an intelligent being, and not a mere carrier of diets to and from the patient, let her exercise her intelligence in these things" - here she was talking about common sense-Nursing Theorist and their work, pg76

"she urges nurses to provide doctors with "not your opinion, however respectfully given, but your facts" She goes on to say, "if you cannot get the habit of observation one way or other, you had better give up the being a nurse, for it is not your calling, however kind and anxious you may be"-Nursing Theorist and their work, pg78

apart from air, light, warmth, diet, water, cleanliness and efficient drainage, she also said quiet was 1 of the main factor for proper healing! i certainly wish the hospital will reinforce that, cuz there are just too many people chatting loudly, laughing and kids screaming along the corridors!!

on another tone..
i think F.Nightingale was a damn cool lady and one with lots of might and zest. having been born into a privileged family with power and money, she was indeed the 'esther' of her time. God had position her strategically in that position for that special calling to be the agent of change. her being able to write and read gave her an advantage to communicate her finding and concern to the governors and others in power. although a female at that era is less looked upon, her family name placed her in such a position that the males had but no choice (even if MOST UNWILLINGLY) to look at her 'crap'. once past the initial hindrance, the figures and facts speak for itself. her advocating of cleanliness, clean water and proper drainage (sanitation) had brought more changes to human lives than the modern medical technology!

really... if you are new to nursing/ medicine, its one of the most trick MCQ question! clean water supply and proper sewage drainage system had saved more lives than modern medicine! of cuz, i recognise the effort put into sewage system and water supply from "Dr. John Snow, who showed that cholera was spread by water in 1854, and Edwin Chadwick, who came up with the idea of sewage disposal and piping water into homes in the 1840s. " taken from http://www.sewerhistory.org/articles/wh_era/brit_med_journal_contest/Sanitation.pdf

now... that's quite a piece of information right? so the next time when u take a dump on ur toilet bowel remember... lots of people (past and present) would love to have a chance to be like u-shitting in clean toilet and being able to flush off the waste with just a simple press of a button!

creative thinking and learning

just a tot came to my mind today as i was listening to the on-line lecture. the lecturer said something tat went like this "i am not here to provide you the answer. you must find it yourself but i will however provide you with the information"

i went like..HUH? but if i am to seek for information not answers than why i need teacher, i might as well get a faciliator lor. i don't know if i am wrong to say that but i prefer teacher/ lecture telling me what is right and wrong, even if there is no ABSOLUTE wrong than tell me where and when should it be applied to make it good enough? i am getting all confused and frustrated with these "think for yourself" mode. if u throw a kid just a potty and u expect the kid to potty train themselve?!?!?

any teachers out there to straighten my thots?

i am a proud person

below is what my 'kid' wrote to me on her last day;

dearest est,

time passes so fast when its with you. i'm so glad that i gonna have a long holiday soon. yet feel so wasted as i can't work together with you any more...

to me, every moment spending with you is jus so happy and so fun. you make me wanna laugh from inside and turn my prcp into such a wonderful and enjoyable experience. thank you.

and the letter went on... its nice to know that i have created such an impact in the life of another human. i wish our patients write their thank you cards more often cuz knowing in actual fact that people enjoy us being around them is really rewarding (and stroke our ego!), at least to me. =)

my wish for her is that she will grow up to be the nurse that she wish she can be and have great confident in herself. may God guide every single step that she takes and send pretty angels to protect her from nasty evil people. =)

smile

the new photos place at block 4 serves an attention diverter to those waiting at the atm queue and also as a motivation to the staff of the organisation. serve with a heart and get recongised for ur hardwork that is what the company is aiming to drill into its people, a sense of pride, belonging and be appreicated. but read any management book it will tell u, its the way a good big boss should do to keep its staff happy even if it means nothing much but to the staff its a long way. lol... all these brain washing... yet sadly i do buy that idea. haha... dumb rite?

the previous pictures were placed in mini-beehive sort of arragement so... do that means we are the bottom worker-bee rank? this year its arranged in the shape of love/ heart. haha... so we are loving people now huh? haha... anyway, since i was walking past it, i stop by for 5 mins and scanned thru the pictures to see who are on it. lots of staff from my ward are on it but maybe cuz i can recongised their faces, i 'see' more of them?! i am glad to spot a good number of my cohort (acc.) girls on it too. =) there were ~10 of us bonded to sgh and out of it at least 3 of us were placed on that wall, where are the rest of them? 2 had already broke bond, 1 was away studying, 1 busy being preg and giving birth last yr, 1 in OT (pts all sedated there, one how to nominate her?) there rest are here and there lar so can't remember them all liao. =)

anyway, i am proud to say acc. students can and are just as good as the regular girls. although we come in with different backgrounds and perhaps seems 'slower' than the rest, we had proven ourselve good enough. =) sometime people see our age and trust our more, sometime because of our age, we had been through enough heartaches to empatise with the patients and their relatives. either case i trust that we had always strive to do good to all of our patients and that is comforting enough.

wow... really?

wow.. my boss see me so up sia... recently i went for the code blue sort of course and i told my boss that i enjoyed it. she seemed amazed that i was not feeling stress but rather filled with interest and excitment. i applied for my post basic diploma (also known as the specialist diploma) which means this would eventually be the single path i will be walking in now. my boss asked me why didn't i consider other courses? although she also think its too late for us to be discussing about it, i had applied and so my fate is sort of sealed in that sense. i thought she meant to ask why no genro (study abt the aged), i told her i don't like dealing with old people. well...actually its too painful to deal with dementia people and old, weak, sick people. i hate it when i have to use 'force' on them in order for them to follow instruction, tie them to the bed so that they don't do anything silly eg.pull their plug, tubes, jump out of bed and fall, etc. i hate it when i have to keep reminding them not to scratch themselves til they bled or do this and that. i found myself reasoning with them and trying to make them understand but.... like it works with a 2 or 3 yrs old!? it never works!!! argh.... *pull hair*

anyway back to the topic, my boss said she meant why didn't i opt for critical care since i found that code blue thing interesting. i might like it there. my answer was that was not part of my long term plan plus i think i am too old for such excitment. =P a critical care nurse will forever be a nurse at most a nurse practioner? but once she/he is old and slow his wisdom and experience are better off as a textbook material. either he/she teaches in school or the clincal area, he is really not much of a use (i think). cuz these area does not requires much patient contact, once patients are well enough to be talking and calling for attention, they are send out to High Dep. or general ward. thus thus... my idea of travelling the world to serve the needed or setting up my own com.hosp. certainly does not fit in any of those training. good to know in case needed but as a nurse everyone SHOULD know what, its thought in school leh. but to go in-depth...err... not my cup of tea lar...

still...i am glad that my boss thinks so highly of me. heehee... the only downside of my decision to go for this opt is that its too general so it may means that i am going to be jack of all trade but master in none and if i don't seek to improve myself more i may end up neither here nor there. hopefully it will never be so. =(

after this course, i intend to take up part-time pallative dip. and ,if God so willing, specialise in wound management. =)

we are a team!?

recently there are some people (actually mainly just 1 old man) making life really diffcult for us missies. =( his expectation is nothing short of treat me and my likes just as we are 'actually' royal-kings! he wants it, he wants it NOW. we are not allow to make error in anything at all! while he/ his kind are ok, 'cuz we are humans' wtf are we then not humans?! perhaps i may speak as if i am too emotional or too quick to judge but he isn't all that grand. he actually said these to the fip. staff 1) "i never like fip. nurses" 2)"i thot all fip. can speak very good english, what happened to you?" that is so personal!! if you are unhappy with something, say it directed to the incident but not targetting to the PERSON, rite? fantasy that to be coming out from a man with experience in life and knowledage! i am so disappointed by him. maybe we such draft a forum letter and advocate for the right of the nurses to be treated as professional, as part of a healthcare team and more importantly as a human? so what if its the encomonical bad time? does that means in order to be in a job we must lick boots and become lesser of anything or anybody? we are human, all born equal in the eyes of GOd! if not for GoD medicine will never be what it is now! for the heart of God was planted in His children who see the needs for the fellow man thus the birth of this science. i had yet to be tormented by that old man but it is sad enough to have to act as if we are fighting fire everyday! yes to raising our awareness and standard of nursing but no to the unnecessary stress for nitpicking on every little stuff on nurses!

yes, i know i am grumbling again. but i can't seems to be all sweet and chripy everytime (haha... in fact most of the time). i think i am a terrible human with evil and negative thots. thanksfully at least i target not to harm to fellow human in all that i do. =) i live by 3 simple verbs -> fast, effective and amiable.

Wound certification

i just got to know from a newsletter that i subscribe called the wound care (or something) that that is such a certification in USA! and in preparation for the test, a 17hrs course is now opened for registration in texas for all healthcare workers interested in that certification. the course is in march. i wonder if i will be interested for now i know i am. =) any sponser for US$450 + lodging (US$110 x 2 nights), i'll pay the airtickets and gst. =P

http://www.woundcertificationprepcourse.com/courses.html

Life skill course for nurses

wow... i enjoyed myself despite the stress involved. you see, we need to sit for a theroy and practical test at the end of the course thus the stress. the amount of stuff that i learnt is however far greater than the stress involved! no doubt it was just a refresher course for what i had learnt in my final year as a nursing student, it was in greater detail! afterall my last months as a student nurses was more of a relax, fun-loving mood since we all knew that part of the teaching is not directly involve in our passing grade. =)

yet now as a real staff on the ground, i realised the importance of knowing the right thing and doing the right thing at the right time. it become increasing important to know when to pronounce a person BYE-BYE at least (since my ward is usually not very action intensed place).

after the course i learnt how to read the EGC slip, what drugs to give and how, when to defib a person and how much and the greatest fun was how to intubate a person! although we will be doing none of the above in our actual ward, who knows?! maybe 1 day, it will come a time when nurses will be given the power and autonomy to function in that role when there is a delay in the medical team response? or maybe i may be recurited into a code team? =)

i love learning new things and it seems that if i transfer to A&E and ICU these will be part and parcel of the everyday work. =) would i consider doing so? hmm... i don't think so for the time being but i am REALLY looking forward to my advance dip in med-surg. if i am rejected, i will be REALLY REALLY upset. =( and if that really happens, i can't say for sure what i will do in reaction to that news. cuz from my point of view, i do have a rather positive track-record but of cuz there will always be people out there which are clever and longer in service than me that deserve the placement more than me. =(

2009 the year of abundant living

that is the statement made by my church pastor. a promise from GOd for His children- that His children will not be in wants, for He will supply all that we needs. =)

recently, we got food and more food from our clients. heehee... even if they meant "aiyo, buy so much also can't finish" i gladly take it with gee. 1st of we had a box of chocolate then fruits then birdnest (wow!) and then nasi lemak. its so nice of them to feed me since i am really trying to cut back on all my expenses. =)

hopefully the next thing we receive are taxi-coupons so i can ride taxi for free! hehee... =)

disappointed

the 'young kids' nowadays don't have a heart i think. they just do things so that they can be done with it. don't care about anything at all. things finish using just leave there, waiting for who to clear? clearly cutting - this is my job that is your job, even if pple urge them to help, can say "wait lah, that is JSDK's job" that is how quality deteriorates. diff pple, diff style. i can't imagine how it will be like in 3 yrs time, if these young kids become "mummy" and teach their "daughters" the wrong stuff. =(

in a sadist way, i am semi-excited to leave this place. either via education, transfer other places. =)

art of phrasing ur words

XX asked me if i would like to have lunch with YZD and as a matter of fact, i can't and thus i said sorry i can't. then a few minutes later someone (JJ) came up to me and ask if i will be going to the lunch and the way JJ put it makes me want to laugh. here is the conversation:

JJ: Esther are you going for the lunch?
Est: no.
JJ: but YZD ask (call u-in mandarin) you go leh.
Est (thinks i am too sensitive): wow... she call me, i must go meh? i got plans lar.
JJ: then i think i don't want to go too.
Est: orh... up to you lor. its a free country. anyway you are YZD favourite now. YZD wants to groom u.
(converstation continue... just another hi-bye, fyi sort of talk. nothing deep)

haha... i think i am really seriously considering the purpose of joining this Tmasterclub thing. Yes to public speaking but no to the true art of speaking? hehee... people that i seems to know can talk well in public but the choice of words that they use is TOTALLY horrifying. misunderstanding and petty shit araise because of the wrong use of words. =( why don't people realise it? or maybe its just here at my club? =_=??

the other clubs that i been to (only 3 others actually... =P) have a positive, vibrate vibe to it but ours is dead serious and silence is GOLD! that is so ironic isn't it? anyway... i wish more people will join the club and i can be just a member that come and listen for entertainment. no more weird posting!! i love my life as it is.... afterall i think i have figure out there are pebbles and stones more worthy of my pursuing than tiny grains of sand that can hardly fill my jar. no?

rice

who knows there are so many rice strands in the world. rice being the staple of most asians (even the central asians) can be so different in taste and sizes. look careful enough u will see that some rice grains are longers, fats and their texture can be totally different too. what is your favourite? thai's fragrant rice or the unpolished rice from malaysia? maybe its the starchy jap rice? mine? i have yet to taste every single one of the those rice strands so i won't give my verdict. =P

these are products of the BRYANI HOUSE they sell different rices with the standard bryani chicken, mutton or beef. there's turkish, iran's, afaganistan-ish rice. turkish is nice. =)

nice song

the song is good although the lyrics is a bit erhm... selfish?!