throw in the towel

being a leader is to be able to lead. sadly i don't think i can. unless i am sure and confident of the subject we are dealing with i am able to step forward to lead the team. sadly i can't in this research proposal thing. i am really giving it lots of thoughts if i should tell someone else to lead instead. but i fear she might think i am trying to 'siam' my 'duties' (honestly is there even a clear cut on duties or not?) anyway, try as i might but... i am truly losing that zest and even ability to do what is needed of. =(

to my dear friend

i miss all most bonded frds... Bee is going to leave next yr and so is JK. one going to seek her freedom and work else where (far from me...out of sg) and another moving to oversea to study. i am not envying them but damn PROUD of them!

i had been thinking abt them 'leaving' for a long time. i kept wondering why... am i jealous? but i didn't feel it that way then i realised i am even bragging about them to my love ones. then... i think... it must be that i am so proud to have them as my friends. =)

but their 'leaving' makes me wonder... why don't i make friends (not hi-bye sort) easily? why can't i like many of my other classmates/ ex-co workers who get close and dear so easily? hmm... 2 friends down how many more do i have left?! let me count... hmm... hopefully more than 20! anyway now.. to tired to do such coo-coo thing... good night and good bye my readers, friends and love ones...

feelings

its had been an interesting week although i was highly bored, the things that happened in the attachment area were relatively new to me. as much as i thought i might know it, i don't know it all. hard to admit it but yes its true.

so what had i observed? i saw for my 1st time (in my life!) how a human is certified brain died by the drs. too bad he is not a candidate for organs harvesting, if not i might be to see the actions of different surgical teams coming in to 'grab' their harvest. i sound evil? but organ donation is a grand thing! it's giving life for those in need. whether if it is the will of God or not i shall not debate on it since i agree on this proceed.

the place where i am now is a high turn over area, nobody truly develop any feeling for the patients on the bed. partly because of the turn over rate and the fact that the patients are often not too alert (sedated aka 'drugged'). the drugging is so that the patients would attempt to use their last bit of energy and oxygen to try pulling out tubes and lines. the rate of recovery is wonderfully fast too. day 1 patient had collapsed out of hospital -> send in to hospital and resus performed -> patient 'stablised' enough to go to where i am at -> all sort of lines and equipments are hooked up onto patient, day 2 patient is seemingly calm (situation wise) but not out of the woods yet (same are generally almost good enough to be discharge! by then!!) -> treatment continue explore hidden problems & discuss way-forward (treatment wise), day 3 -> patient is weaning off/ totally to off breathing aid now & start sips of water & fully alert now -> to step down care and soon patient is out of the area where i am now.

of cuz there are those that said their goodbyes before even reach the doors of the ward/ just shortly after causing interesting panicks in the ward. still these are human with the breath of life given to them nevertheless by the same Creator.

cost is an issue too all. it's sad to see some people opt the 'cheaper' way out but lives wtih the risk of dying any moment they step out of the hospital. then there are people that are drugged (but not enough because their conditions contra-indicates it) but still struggle to fight the lines, tubes and the equipments. they are in destress cuz they don't understand why and what those are. imagine eating happily 1 moment and a sudden sharp pain after, u are lying in an unknown environment feeling uncomfortable and on top of it u realised that u can't move or even open ur eyes because u r so weak/ drugged! while the patient continue to struggle and attempt weird stuff resulting in the staff screaming instruction and trying their best to explain to patient (TO NO AVAIL!!), the family members are crying by the bedside as if he is dying. theoretically he is...if the treatment is not helping him enough to tidal over this dangerous period. as i stood there trying to make sure the patient is not force the restrainer open or breaking it while patting him to comfort him, his family stood there touching him and crying, in my broken malay i understood that the daughter was trying to tell the dad to 'bear with it, the pain, the uncomfortable-ness and the tubes". his wife just stroked his bald head and crying, his grandson was at a lost not knowing why everyone was crying, equipment was beeping and the nurse was the only one not crying. i can't respond, i can't give resurrance for it may be all false and nothing hurts more than hearing another person saying kind words to "entertain" in such situation. thus... i slowly left the room feeling helpless and sad for the family.

in conclusion, i wish i will not be posted to such setting. i prefer human interaction, where we (regardless nurses or patients) can laugh out loud together and be well; where i can predict the future base on the patients' lab results and clinical features. but where will i be posted after my graduation? i wonder.... hopefully... a general ward with AIR CON!!! given my condition i really can't stand heat!! argh...

time to study

i have some serious issue with studying. i AM truly doing it only i am reading the wrong thing at the wrong time. my pending bio test is becking me to read read read but here i am doing and reading other things! crazy!!!