rumbles and grumbles.

1. bengawasolo cake is dry and really eekkyy
2. some pple just lack the leadership and confidence
   (regardless how old they r or how clever they may be)
3. ice-cream + cornflake is not a good combo
4. mothers tend to be really naggy
5. my mom is certainly a type A personality (ok, me too)
6. people are often too polite to be nasty
7. my over concern and expectation is a killer (killing me)
8. my total disengagement after any event of disappointment is not good for my social life
9. i am too rigid and too full of myself at times
10. i am not really very helpful and friendly
    (so stop PISSING me off & stop think i am the expert!!!)
11. pay is good, nursing isn't
12. people are kind in nature but things just go really wrong along the way
13. electric violin is good and damn cool
14. going according to the instructed is way more tougher than doing the disapproved way
15. i rather score lower but is answerable to my conscious
16. everyday is a new learning experience

a few things happened over the past 48 hrs that make me BOIL but for my personal mental health i had let it be but its still fuming within. trying to do my couseling assignment but hitting nails and thumbtacks along the way. thankfully my Hb is 12 enough for my to bleed for a long time before collapsing! lol...

break wk (11)

its week 11 which is to say i had studied for almost 3 months already! 5 more months to official byebye NYP. today i went back to school for skill practice.

IA line com'on baby!
ECG no problem til you ask me to interperet it. =P
suction not too bad but damn u if u want me to go solo on an intubate pt (whats the close system for huh!? tell me!!)
Prepare for intubation? hmm... not so sure abt it but pray hard hard not my test skill!
cardio monitoring and defil. bring it on baby!! VT, VF, AF, AV, PEA- watever u maybe!

so am i ready for the skill test? hmm... honestly i prefer real life to clinical test! =P *touch wood* i think i am ready but i need to buck up on my theory part. what is that for and why is and not that? skill-wise sure can pass one lar but if want me to explain i will err...orh....err...

bio result is out. and guess wat!!! *drum roll* i got A!!! heehee... i didn't really study and i got it! when i heard 1 failure i tot it sure me already but nah... not me!! lucky nobody took up my bet if not i will be broke now! =P for some werid reason this selfish me felt so unjust for those classmates of mine. they studied so hard and was rattling standard answers during our group discussion but got C or at most B only. i feel angry... how can like that!?!?

i wonder why i had felt so strongly for those classmates and i realised maybe that is a trait of being mature?! the childish me would jump ard in pride and joy telling pple my achievement and forcing my joy upon others. but now i am actually stand in other's position and shut my trap up.

from my post, u may had guess it...i am fine now. the initial days after i start my meds it was terrible. now i am slowly getting use to the bitter-after taste and the feel emotionally uplifted. hanging out with my brothers, sister and mummy does wonder! even if i didn't talk much abt my prob/ tots or cry being with them makes me feel filled and whole. =) thank you people, thank you my dear Creator.

thyroidism

this is great just great... my bld result is back and my T4 is high although my TSH is normal. Hb is great 12. great just great... i finally find the reason for my

Palpitations
Nervousness
"alertness" (insomnia)
Breathlessness
Increased bowel movements
Light or absent menstrual periods
Fatigue
Fast heart rate
Trembling hands (some days only)
Warm moist skin
Hair loss
Staring gaze

these are the s/s of hyperthyroidism. what a joke! none of my family members has it and i don't have that classic physical features. my eyes aren't popping out, my hands aren't shaking all the time and i don't have a enlargen gland!

my take is that my hectic work demand on the job (esp) is killing me slowly. screwing my glands and driving me in a weird human. babies making can be a gone case totally if i am going to have to be on med.

treatment as for as a train RN (me) can tell is- med til the s/s are controlled, no seaweeds, no seafood and preferably no babies. how now? the road ahead seems rather dark. well.... welcome to darkness i suppose.... this is where luke's lao bei turns into darth vader

u make me smile =)

today i pop in to the ntuc pharamcy near my flat for a quick glance and something in my advance dip uniform and when i pop back out of it i was stopped by a familiar face. my ex-patient's son! he is such a caring son (to his mom) that everyone in my room will remember him. he will speak to his mom and sayang her, talk to her in their teochew dialect and even sing to her! wow... i remember the singing part because his mom was nurse next to our nursing counter and that was the time when that little nyonyah show was on... that's the guy that sing to his dying mom remember? =P

so anyway he said hi to me and i asked how am i. he thot i had changed job and is now working at the pharmacy! lol... i said no lar. i am studying now and i ask how he was too. then i asked why he was in this area, i tot his mom was hospitalised again. (his mom always come in as DIL-Max Ward Management one!!) but thank God he was just walking around the plaza for leisure. heehee... we exhanged a few more words then bid good bye.

its really sweet to be greeted by ex-patients/ family. embrassing, yes but really really sweet. =)

heaven is a wonderful...

heaven is a wonderful place,
full of glory and grace,
i want to see my saviour's face,
heaven is a wonderful place.

the more i study (regarding medicine but not medicine) the more i feel the saddness in a really ill human. not as if they want to be born that way (congenital diseases) nor can they choose to continue to live (intubate, medicine/ surgical treatment) or die. because death is a taboo word even in the westen world. if u r sick, so sick that the drs and u mutally understand the days are limited, u must continue to live even if its painful and tortmenting to u. even if u want to live, the disease will eventually come and eat u up. u can prolong that life but u can't enhance the quality of it?!

i am not against treatment and surgery. i am all for it. yet, i think pallative care is too 'new-age' for it to be used across the board. if medical-surgical trained nurses are "jacks of all trades", the pallative nurses are so too. dying is a great topic to learn, its a process helping the patient and those around him/her getting through it is not easy but certainly fulfilling. when death eventually occurs, the pallative nurse no longer is just a nurse to them but had already become family, become friend.

after my basic dip, i went for deg. and now i am doing my adv dip. what else next i sometime will think about it. masters? (so i can fulfill my dream? afterall i am not young anymore.) but i felt if i really do that, it will be just a pure persude of paper and the need for a stepping stone to the next level. think and think... i thought maybe i will do another dip. in pallative care. afterall ever one will die (and needs too!) and its a good business. =P okay economic-wise i need to think of my earning and keeping rite? but emotionally i think its a beautiful job, just like mid-wives find delivery babies beautiful. =)

so what's next in the coming 2010? i no babies, no rupture (yah, its a Godly thing) -which i wonder if i will qualify or not cuz i am really not that good girl leh and no hiccups....i think that is what i will be doing. although hopefully the babies and rupture part will come true! heheee... if i really kena brought up to heaven... then all my non-believers suritiees will pull hair liao... cuz need to pay my bond $$!! lol...

wk 7 and going

its week 7 of sch and i am tuning in to the rhythm and demand. although there is constantly little/no supply, the demand is endless! lol...

bio test wk 8, med-surg test wk 9 and my degree last exam (hopefully nothing happens) in that wk 9 too. *sweat*

field visit had brought me to places (actually 3 only so far. =P) i felt general ward w speciality focus is well... just a general ward (in my view), people are more friendly and patients are happier (is it because they are more well?). HD setting... err... i think its something that i can handle. patients are generally rather well but not 100% yet, communcation with patients is easier but maybe the visitor's restriction limit patients aren't generally very cheerful but good for nurses, peace and quietness but enough communication to cheer one up. ICU... i don't like! people must be very stress there, not friendly- team work yes but on the job goofy-ness *shake head* nah... they aren't very friendly or approachable i feel. but my "smelly-face" will fit that setting best cuz everyone is like that even when not so busy. too stressful i felt, even when things are fine they are just waiting for things to happen so very tense up. also the patients are so so messy with all the different tubes, cables and lines sticking in and out of them. very messy i don't like. plus patients are generally just sleeping (is it cuz the air-con?! good to sleep mah) all the time, even when their aren't they are just too weak/ breathless/ restless (due to abnormal pH, etc) to hold a quality conversation. oh... and the families must be very anxious sort, i can't really stand people coming to me every hour, min and day just for updates. although i understand the feeling of helplessness and anxiety, i am just a human not a saint who just want to get my work done before tell people "i feel your concern about your papa's condition, would you like to talk about it and let me see how i can help you."

heard a friend is pending promotion to SSN, post-adv dip. i am glad for him and i am sure he will fit the position well with his organized thought process and great EQ. then i thought... what about me? no...i am not jealous about his promotion! i am fearful that i might not be wise enough, smart enough and totally unable to fit into the SSN position, if the door open for me after grad. what if i cannot explain the pathophysiology and dx management to the patients, my jrs and even myself? what if i can't recognise an abnormal ECG, IA/ CVP reading or fail to explain the actions of the medicines? can i really fit into that position, that expectation?

that fear sort of overcomes me then i thought... my desire to be an APN run my own pracitice. if i can't even be a SSN how the hell can i be an APN and allow patients to trust me and let me hold their hands thru illness and death.

*sigh*....