irony of life

having been married for 7 years now. amazing that i had maintain it well enough for these years. during these years i had grown and learnt, found my goals and inspiration to move on towards to. within these years, people had gotten married, preg and preg again while i am still who i was years before. thinking of the differences i wonder what is my lot in life. if only i know it then i can plan along with it. but too bad i don't and perhaps that's the excitment of living?

death and dying

a theory that we were all told to read up well for our exam; death and dying. knowing the differences between the 2 did not really evoked anything special but subtly it reminded me a few patients whom i had the privilege of being part of their dying process and eventually their death. a few whom had touched me tremendously, left an unknown scar in my life chapters. yet, i did repress my feelings because i don't believe in being too involve in any patients' or relatives' lives. i believe as a health care worker, one needs to be able to take those bonds whenever needed.

grieving is also a process. weeping is the process for 1 to get go and regain oneself. from calling weeping to deep weeping to finally the letting go weep, all these sound no... rather it painted a wonderful visual of how a therapy is. a shrink sitting on the chair and the patient laying on a couch as they revisit the past, the patient is encouraged to grief over the lost. and the types of crying is exactly as i had remembered from all those chinese drama; the wife will weep and call out the died man "why... why must u leave us? come back! come back!!" as she cries out for the died man, she hit the corpse and accuse him off leaving. then come the 2nd stage. she then started to hit herself calling herself a wretch, jinx and stuffs like "what am i to do now?" finally over lots of scenes of crying kids and relatives gathering around the widow and kids..blah blah blah... she finally cries and look deeply and fonding at the pictures of the deceased and utter crappy stuffs like "i love u. i will always love u but i am letting u go now. be at rest now. i will be fine." then she seals it with a kiss onto the picture. (crappy and so over used but boy! don't we fall for it forever!?)

i guess the next time i nurse a patient and the patient falls under either one of this trajectories:

• linger
• crisis
• expected-quick
• spot
• danger- period
• unexpected-quick

i will do the same grieving process/ work to ease my sorrows... but then who will remain to care for the family and the rest of patients?! hmm... i think i need a shrink!

its feeling real and i am 'home?'

went back to gh today for field visit and interestingly enough the staff there that took the deg module with me were actually so friendly to me. i know she is friendly even from school but to be that nice to me, i never thought possible. ok not very nice, just friendly...like an old friend. afterall i am not that sort that will be so friendly to people that i don't know too well. i felt welcome...welcome home. =)

the it was lazing around time. lets admit it, its not fun to go on field visit when its just observing (thats because i am not proactive, i just want it over with =P) but the changes in the dept was amazing. glad that i went for this field visit afterall which gh staff will know that its renovated to this extend and where is what now, unless u had been there? so i am glad at least i know. =)

then came the exciting part. an ex-school mate is preg! 2 kids in 3 years? wow... how productive and blessed. then there are so many familiar faces that bothered to said hi to me. i am really glad and touched. then i managed to talk to the CIs, since i was there to settle some business. it was really nice that people remember me, even if it was just vague memories. then i got insider cuts. lol... i bet most staff already knew of the new development in the work place but having no extended wire into the organisation since i 'left' these news are rather new and exciting for me to know. =)

went back to the ward and was glad to see the others so well and functioning great. familiar faces just well up my emotions (just when i tot i might not have some. =P) although we had a rather uneventful working relationship, i don't think i can be consider the best friend of anyone. so i won't expect big hi's and hey i miss u sort of stuff. nevertheless i do feel for the people and i am glad they do remember me too. =)

the best...best...best...best... thing that happened is that i met BAO jie!!! =) heeheehee... she dyed her hair heeheee... for some weird reason i really like her and miss her too. although she is the quiet quiet one and we don't work together much. i like her. maybe because she is older and a really calm and mellow person? just like bee... but bee more aggressive leh. heehe... anyway... i am so glad! we even took photo!! =)

school is over and soon i will be back in the ward but i am not sure where i would be posted yet. but i suppose surgical side. but someone scare me that i may be post to the new ward too. whatever it may be, i want to be happy working wherever it is and learn stuff. (i think i am addicted to challenges and learning).

radio 'drama'

aiyoo... finally get to listen to the whole episode of 933's radio drama. gosh... all my hairs stood up! its so so so... weird and creepy. unlike 958's radio drama (of the past) where the character's voices seems to be more mellow so not so creepy. anyway i don't really like such topics on air. too provoking. in the mid day i rather heard something funny and light hearted. hmm... u still got a me.. well well well... not me

weird dream

its interesting enough that i had this dream.
i dreamt that i was in nuh but the setting was nowhere near it.
there was a swimming pool and it felt almost like a clubhouse.
but the clubhouse was suppose to be in level 1 and 2 and thing above it was hospital.
the most funny part was i "saw" ms Z! she was not just a nursing staff there!!
she was the sister!! how weird!!! and someone else whom i can't remember now (but they were arch enemies then) was beening VERY friendly to her!! *faint*

then i suppose i had just had a swim so i was looking for a toilet to shower. (tats why i was there)
i want to go into the toilet (left side for shshh.., right side for shower) but i noticed poopoo covered with a piece of tissue. eekkeeekk... i didn't shower in the end.

part of the dream although it didn't quite link with the above was...
i had a "preview" of me beening trapped in an office and there was a evil something
that was hinting us (there were me and 1 other guy?) it spinned the bingo balls,
make strong gust of wind and locked the doors.
then the next thing some how i was surrounded with lots of people, those working in the office,
everything was normal. then i quicky called my sister to bring me food.
she came and i asked her how was it outside. she said something that rang i bell so i decided to
sneak out of the office but was called to stop by a patient (patient?!?! office?!?! wtf)
and i was "ordered" to stay inside the office and was not to leave.
i told "them" (whoever it was) that i was not running but called my sister to bring me food and now seeing her off. then i told my sister to go off 1st and meet me at the level 1.
i was going to take the e-exit's staircase down to meet her.
soon enough as i approach the exit's door......

i had a leg cramp and i woke up.
how weird can my dreams be?!

=( .... -> =)

at the start there was nothing and then God said "let there be light" and there was light.... that was somewhere in the old testimony. then... thousands of years later, someone said that God will never give us a problem we can't handle. He will provide a way out for us when it gets too unbearable. AND HE DID! His words are still the same and His action never late. =)

part 2 of my "i won't trust u anymore" saga. today is the meet the piggy session and the entire group went. SS still dare to act friendly with me! wo.w... i just flashed my "huh? why u so friendly" look at her. i think she get the message but have no idea why i am so cold to her. i don't think i want to bother talking things out with her. why waste my dear dear time? mr leader finally sense something. he asked me "how esther?" i reply "anything lor. u r the leader mah. u happy can liao". poor him too. he must be wondering what the hell did he do to make me so upset. me??? i just don't care lor. pls don't comment and tell me to reflect upon my actions and that he did nothing wrong therefore don't deserve this sort of treatment. i also know but too bad when the bear is angry IT don't think. yes... i had downgrade to the animalistic human with no common sense anymore!

then.. that piggy got to my nerves by telling us rubbish! tell us, this don't need that don't want. i think she, herself isn't answering to the questions lor. but since she is the one grading us, heck that lar! just do whatever to please her lor. then after 1 big loop, she then mentioned what she just cancelled from our slides and said that should be added in too. aiyoo... my dear LECTURERS pls make up all of your minds!! she is not the 1st lor.

3 hours later, i had barely read up on my test topics and had briefly slept for 1 hour. i went in for the test. out of the 30 mcq i am sure i will get at least 20 correct. short answer questions (20 marks) i will be smiling if i get 10! get the picture? i think i will pass. actually DH isn't that terrible lar. just that i am a rebellious 30+ yrs old ah auntie that wants to sing the opposite key as her (for the fun of it)! =P but still... my mood had not changed a bit. i was hating every minute of it! the noisy pple chatting about the answers and the "die liao lar" that was over stimulating my senses. i want to go on a killing spree!!!! but i was normal enough not to do so.

as i was walking out of the campus... i met BEE!!! =)) wat a suprise for me!! she was staring at me, smiling but because she had put on much weight i was scare to recongise the wrong person. til she stretch her arms! yippeeee!!!! my fav idol!!! *smack smack* we spent an hour talking. not about me but just catching up. it was warm and peaceful. i love it. she has some special power to calm my crazy emotion since a long time ago. =) thank God for her, i feel better and is regaining my pose as the same old me. =))

same that she is indeed leaving singapore. no idea where yet but certainly out of singapore. wish i can go visit her when she is settled down. =)) will miss her much. but i am sure someday when i am sad... she will appear out of nowhere like she always do. =)

trust - use it only when necessary?

I had been burning mid-night oil all the way to 5am for a few nights now. Not that I enjoy it but I feel it's necessary in order for things to be done well and so that the group can sit down with something solid to discuss rather than plucking from the air and getting no where. I thought if I give in my 110% people will at least contribute 10% worth of effort. BUT I AM WRONG!

Before attachment, we were broken into 2 groups and questions assigned to be completed within a time frame. Due to numerous reasons the time frame got stretched and I assume with extra time people will be more prepared (or at least would had already had a rough idea) but NO.... There are those that are truly hardworking and kind. They thrown in their 110% too. But it takes just 1 to make my day a terrible SHIT!

So the story is as such... before attachment I had prepared a rough stretch of the presentation seeking more input from the rest. 2 weeks later YM replied and completed the answers, she had filled in the missing part to my initial draft. SS then told me "Esther, I am so sorry that I didn't help at all. When school reopen, if there is anything that needs to be done, I will do it. ok?" With that remark, I thought she was so sweet to proactively wants to do something for our presentation.

Meeting today... Everything is 89% completed. After a short discussion we conclude that 1 more slide is needed and consolidation of the slides is needed as the group was previously separated into 2 halves to do 2 sets of questions. We are presenting in week23 wed and its week21 wed today. I said that we need to have all the slides ready for rehearsal by week22 wed. BUT!!! SS whom was tasked to consolidate and finalise the slides said NO! She can't do it and she said she DO NOT KNOW how to do a table on a slide!! And that she had to prepare her research presentation slides as well so she can't prepare the slides for this topic. Turning towards me she asked me to do it!!! WHAT?!?! HAD I NOT DONE ENOUGH FOR THE GROUP? AND JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW DOES WHY MUST I TAKE OVER IT? YOU SAID YOU WILL DO IT ONE WHAT?! SO IT IS JUST FOR SHOW IS IT? JUST TALK ONLY MAH NO NEED MONEY IS IT?

I said NO! Then she told me that she don't understand the topic too! *FAINT* We are going to present the topic and you don't know the topic? AND you have the cheek to tell me, you don't know so you can't do it!? I AM SO ANGRY! SO PISS! My face and voice must had changed because someone else intervene and proposed something else. My reaction... whatever lor. If that is what you (the leader) think and want.

Point no. 1:
Out of the 6 pple there, nobody wants to do anything. Only when arrow then do- talking abt
the MS group only here. Silience is GOLD huh?! *scorn* Last presentation I did 70% of the things already leh! (30% from the MH group).

Point no. 2:
I ALSO HAVE MY RESEARCH PREPARATION LOR! The world doesn't only spin around you babe! What you have I have too! You aren't the only poor victim here!

Point no. 3:
Don't always say "esther clever mah. she can handle it one lah". FFFFFFFF u. I am not the one with a Master degree here lor. Your research group give you shit, that's another issue! Don't drag it in!

In conclusion... FUCK myself lar! I can't sit around and wait for people to tell me "why don't we just rehearse with the content rather than having the finalised slides?" I took it upon myself to get the F-Shit done. But I will only add that 1 slide. If not for that stupid Woman meeting, I won't even bother. After that... Ms SS even if you decide not to finalise the changes or design, I won't be bother by that shit anymore! IF U THINK WE WILL NEVER FAIL THEN LETS SIT AROUND AND SEE HOW THEN!

such is the reason why people just don't like some people.