it was not the first time hearing it but its sad and makes me wonder abt myself too. many people had told me so-and-so was sent for adv.dip because the ward sister want to 'kick' him/her out it was the best and softest way to do so. i wonder if i belong to the cat. because on talking/ listening to other classmates, i seems to have all those undesired traits that they 'hate' back in their ward.
this makes me wonder... if i was 'kick' out. but on 2nd tot, even if the bosses had grown to dislike my mannerism and unsmiley ways, and 'kicked' me. that was what i want to do. so i shouldn't let feeling over-rules me. i am fine the way i am and so i will make the best of my learning opportunity and be at ease with myself.
today's presentation went smoothly! everything was great..great...great!!! i so want to shout out to the world, to be proud and boastful. we did it so well that the others after us seems to 'copy'. heee.... also we covered so much ground that without a doubt the words 'diligent' was written all over our faces! lol... the other teams were presenting on things that are already in place/ on pliot. all they need were to copy and bring out the protocol but we did from bottom up. so i am proud of us being so hardworking. shortcut will not lead to learning but i realised many are there just to pass and get the paper.
BAD THINKING!!!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
its sad... when u live in denial
advance science had not allow us to cure cancer! i like that statement, its frank, its blunt but its true. we can avoid it, reduce it and maybe try to remove it hoping it won't come back again. but what the nature had dished to us, we got to accept it at some point or other.
ethical problem- cancer pt is at her last stage of her disease, she is going to die this way or that. will you encourage chemotherapy again? aiming to reduce the size of the growth and to slow it down. pt however will be suffering the side-effect of it and with her reduced immunity infection may set in during the cause of chemo. when that happens, the infection may be so bad that it may even cost her to depart earlier. the patient is unable to decide for herself as she is sub-normal and she leaves decision making to her family.
as a person that had seen the pain in the eyes of that pt, my tot was why reduced her pain but prolong her suffering? yet her family was keen in every measure to preserve her life. not that i want her to die but where is the quality of life if the only sole target is to lengthen her stay on earth? the family is clearly in denial. they think she will overcome it but the drs had told them its stage 4- cancer cells are moving everywhere!
now that she is gone. the family is lodging a complaint on this and that. days after she had departed the family is still in denial, thinking/ blaming others for the death. why did you do this or that when she was like that....etc. etc. yet the order was for basic comfort care which meant to say to make her comfort in her last days, hours and minutes. we aren't going to aggressive bring her back to life if she was gone. the basic comfort care order was made after a family conference and family agreed on that. yet i wonder if they truly understand what that meant cuz it seems they wanted more.
i am totally dishearten by the family that 1 moment was shaking our hands and thanking us for the care we gave to the pt and yet on the other moment writting in to complaint. i wonder what does the decease think abt it. cuz i believe nobody can understand and feel more than the pt, herself. had we done enough? did we delay the respond? could anything be better?
emotion wells up within me as i type this. i am glad she is gone, gone to be at peace with her maker. if the complaint comes through and i got to be call back to answer for the many questions thrown onto the table, i will gladly take my stand and be grounded on my answers and believes. i had done all that i could, i treated her with utmost respect, i had came to love her more than a pt and my love was pure. she was almost like a dear sister to me, if i was to nurse my own sister i won't do any more or less than that.
life is short and dying is real. we are all dying, its a process that had started the moment we were born only hasten by means or accidents and illness.
ethical problem- cancer pt is at her last stage of her disease, she is going to die this way or that. will you encourage chemotherapy again? aiming to reduce the size of the growth and to slow it down. pt however will be suffering the side-effect of it and with her reduced immunity infection may set in during the cause of chemo. when that happens, the infection may be so bad that it may even cost her to depart earlier. the patient is unable to decide for herself as she is sub-normal and she leaves decision making to her family.
as a person that had seen the pain in the eyes of that pt, my tot was why reduced her pain but prolong her suffering? yet her family was keen in every measure to preserve her life. not that i want her to die but where is the quality of life if the only sole target is to lengthen her stay on earth? the family is clearly in denial. they think she will overcome it but the drs had told them its stage 4- cancer cells are moving everywhere!
now that she is gone. the family is lodging a complaint on this and that. days after she had departed the family is still in denial, thinking/ blaming others for the death. why did you do this or that when she was like that....etc. etc. yet the order was for basic comfort care which meant to say to make her comfort in her last days, hours and minutes. we aren't going to aggressive bring her back to life if she was gone. the basic comfort care order was made after a family conference and family agreed on that. yet i wonder if they truly understand what that meant cuz it seems they wanted more.
i am totally dishearten by the family that 1 moment was shaking our hands and thanking us for the care we gave to the pt and yet on the other moment writting in to complaint. i wonder what does the decease think abt it. cuz i believe nobody can understand and feel more than the pt, herself. had we done enough? did we delay the respond? could anything be better?
emotion wells up within me as i type this. i am glad she is gone, gone to be at peace with her maker. if the complaint comes through and i got to be call back to answer for the many questions thrown onto the table, i will gladly take my stand and be grounded on my answers and believes. i had done all that i could, i treated her with utmost respect, i had came to love her more than a pt and my love was pure. she was almost like a dear sister to me, if i was to nurse my own sister i won't do any more or less than that.
life is short and dying is real. we are all dying, its a process that had started the moment we were born only hasten by means or accidents and illness.
a gentle pull onto my heart-string
i am now travelling daily (most) to another part of singapore. i need to change trains or bear with a long bus trip (almost end to end) or of cuz spend lots of money on cab. my only way to save a little, is to try to avoid taking cab but if need be i still have to. the cab fare is 3x my regular fare from home to the hospital!!! heart-pain, wallet dry!! woawh.... i would normal take the train home to try to save some $$.
on 1 very drained and mentally clustered day, on a train ride home, i saw a young mother w her child (in the pram). she was standing as there weren't any seats available. standing directly across the train from her, i could see her rather clearly. i saw the movement of those little limbs. the child was playing with her(i think its a girl) fingers and trying to pull her socks off. then she started grabbing the hold-bar next to her pram. i guess bar being cold was rather interesting to her cuz she kept tapping the bar and trying to hold it with her small little hands. the lady sitting in the seat next to the hold-bar looked really tired and she look rather sad (maybe cuz too tired?!). the child's hands occassionally will 'drop' onto the lady's lap whenever she fails to grab the hold-bar. the mother might not had realised that, if not i am sure she will tell the child not to touch strangers.
afterawhile the child's hand found new pleasure in touching the lady's legs! her movements were so gentle and seems like sayang-ing (stroking) the lady in a very comfortable and reassuring manner. the lady's expression relaxes as she stared at the child. i think the child smiled and her and the lady smiled back. the tiny fingers than stretch out and as if asking to grab the lady's fingers. it was really a touching moment for me at that point. yes, i do get touch, amused and inspired by the tiniest little things in life. the lady did not offer her fingers but reminded smiling to the child. next stop.... beep beep beep.. it was time for good byes, i walked out for the train and was left wondering... what happened to the child and the lady next.
its amazing how that tiny child get so powerful and influence an otherwise sad looking, tired person to cheer up. =)
on 1 very drained and mentally clustered day, on a train ride home, i saw a young mother w her child (in the pram). she was standing as there weren't any seats available. standing directly across the train from her, i could see her rather clearly. i saw the movement of those little limbs. the child was playing with her(i think its a girl) fingers and trying to pull her socks off. then she started grabbing the hold-bar next to her pram. i guess bar being cold was rather interesting to her cuz she kept tapping the bar and trying to hold it with her small little hands. the lady sitting in the seat next to the hold-bar looked really tired and she look rather sad (maybe cuz too tired?!). the child's hands occassionally will 'drop' onto the lady's lap whenever she fails to grab the hold-bar. the mother might not had realised that, if not i am sure she will tell the child not to touch strangers.
afterawhile the child's hand found new pleasure in touching the lady's legs! her movements were so gentle and seems like sayang-ing (stroking) the lady in a very comfortable and reassuring manner. the lady's expression relaxes as she stared at the child. i think the child smiled and her and the lady smiled back. the tiny fingers than stretch out and as if asking to grab the lady's fingers. it was really a touching moment for me at that point. yes, i do get touch, amused and inspired by the tiniest little things in life. the lady did not offer her fingers but reminded smiling to the child. next stop.... beep beep beep.. it was time for good byes, i walked out for the train and was left wondering... what happened to the child and the lady next.
its amazing how that tiny child get so powerful and influence an otherwise sad looking, tired person to cheer up. =)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
new class new adjustment
not all mature learners possess the same quality. although we had all worked a certain numbers of years before jumping back to school the feeling i got from my current classmates is totally different from our accelerated class back then. hmm... i wonder if it is because we are advancing instead of the basic? or if its because even if all had been working for the past years, the actual age is still relatively young? hmm... organisation can still improve, communication too. and my lecturer should really work on less intimidating her students. if we are studying because we are stress but not truly enjoying it, i feel damn sad. i am feeling damn sad now. instead of enjoying myself learning new things, i am cursing it whenever she ask us to pull out a piece of paper to do an impromtu test. i am targetting to be politically correct because this is an open blog (i don't intend to close it anyway), i need to watch my back in case someone from somewhere sees it. still... being critical, judgemental and still adjusting, i have nothing much more than grumble and sigh sigh sigh. i hope things will turn better but i seriously doubt it. i don't think the entire class will be exteremly cohesive but as long as we are 'glued' enough to get it moving along, i think it should be fine. yah... i'm back.. the jaded one.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
the goodbyes
ever heard a death rattle as loud as a drum? i had! and this time it was hard to break it to the ever-hopeful family. honestly i hate those dr/staff that wants to play it safe by giving hope to the people that are clearly at the end of the road already. no, i don't mean to hurt but at least state the fact and prepare those people.
it was clear that she was going, i told her sister- "she is not looking good." sister cried. according from my other staff, another sister had consulted a chinese 'dr' that told them that everything is well its just the phlegm that is causing the problem otherwise with that phlegm gone the patient will still be good enough to fight the disease. when i heard that i wanted to kill that so called chinese 'dr', its crazy to raise the family hope to great height only to crush it when the reality hits.
i didn't want to be down right evil by saying "ya, going to die anytime now" but honestly i stated the fact, it will be soon. but the soon came a little too soon, i tot it will be at least 1 more day but... i am glad she is no longer suffering. yet at the same time, the wailing disturbed me... so much that i got to step in and ask the family to set her off in peace. i believe when the body stop functioning, the soul/ spirit is still present. seeing the other sisters crying and calling a dead body to wake up, will really ache the leaving spirit/soul. so i asked the sisters to say something good, nice or soothing to set her free and also to send her in peace. the wailing turned to muffed crying. i felt their pain. it was the same location that their mom was packed, years ago. how weird?!
i am glad i had relieved her suffering just before i go. as the sisters held my hands and called me to thanks me, i said "i am glad that i did the last office for your sister cuz i am leaving already. seeing her relieve of her suffering i am really thankful" weird things to say hor? but of cuz i did the politically right thing by telling them to look on the brighter side and keep their spirits up.
another girl (a long-stayer) was sad too. she knew that patient was not looking well already but the wailing and crying made her wanted to cry too. lucky (God is great!), someone came to visit her and they spoke for a long time. i think that took her mind off the other patient. with the back 1/2 only left with 2 patients after the patient is brought to mortuary, i wonder can they sleep tonight or will they be spooked by the event?! hmm... i shall have the answer cm am. =)
it was clear that she was going, i told her sister- "she is not looking good." sister cried. according from my other staff, another sister had consulted a chinese 'dr' that told them that everything is well its just the phlegm that is causing the problem otherwise with that phlegm gone the patient will still be good enough to fight the disease. when i heard that i wanted to kill that so called chinese 'dr', its crazy to raise the family hope to great height only to crush it when the reality hits.
i didn't want to be down right evil by saying "ya, going to die anytime now" but honestly i stated the fact, it will be soon. but the soon came a little too soon, i tot it will be at least 1 more day but... i am glad she is no longer suffering. yet at the same time, the wailing disturbed me... so much that i got to step in and ask the family to set her off in peace. i believe when the body stop functioning, the soul/ spirit is still present. seeing the other sisters crying and calling a dead body to wake up, will really ache the leaving spirit/soul. so i asked the sisters to say something good, nice or soothing to set her free and also to send her in peace. the wailing turned to muffed crying. i felt their pain. it was the same location that their mom was packed, years ago. how weird?!
i am glad i had relieved her suffering just before i go. as the sisters held my hands and called me to thanks me, i said "i am glad that i did the last office for your sister cuz i am leaving already. seeing her relieve of her suffering i am really thankful" weird things to say hor? but of cuz i did the politically right thing by telling them to look on the brighter side and keep their spirits up.
another girl (a long-stayer) was sad too. she knew that patient was not looking well already but the wailing and crying made her wanted to cry too. lucky (God is great!), someone came to visit her and they spoke for a long time. i think that took her mind off the other patient. with the back 1/2 only left with 2 patients after the patient is brought to mortuary, i wonder can they sleep tonight or will they be spooked by the event?! hmm... i shall have the answer cm am. =)
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