the role of a mother

the role of a mother is not easy. its a uphill task with mini rest stations but with no such thing as a downhill ease. perhaps to some theirs come with a motor cable car attached making it all pretty sight and no ugly pain. but mine comes with a good package deal. while i thank God that my baby is not those typical colic cry-baby, i get a fair share of worries and fear.

that day that baby was born. i worry if she had enough to drink and was she getting enough love and attention to feel as secure as she was in the womb. then came the jaudice, as a train nurse i can dish out advise and tell parents to ride it through and eventually baby will be fine. but as a mother myself, i dread that baby had to take infant formula for supplement and to prevent her from dehydrating. i fear the worst, what if baby jaudice level is so high that she needs transfusion or get organ/s damage?! when she finally gotten discharge, i got my restless nights but thanks to the help of my mom i gotten a good deal of rest time in the day. but whenever baby sleeps in my arms (she refuse cot!) i would consistently check if she is still breathing or not. i am still doing it now! the reports of SIDs are too alarming and scaring to ignore!!

i am proud to say that i am breastfeeding baby and she is gaining well. yet everyday i worry why is she having that much poo. and when her poo frequency reduce but quantity increased. i wonder is she ok?! and whenever she fart i fear that my diet had caused too much gas in her tummy causing her discomfort. never had i stop my worrying. =( i wish to be as great a mummy to my baby as other mummies before me. those who had displayed great ability to raise their kids, contribute to work and still can find time to go on dates and lovely trips with their hubbies. gosh... i don't think i can manage! even with my mother in law's help i am struggling with the upkeeping of my relationship with my hubby, fear of returning back to work and making sure i am doing all the right (textbook's golden standard) stuff to my little darling.

i don't know what it means to enjoy the joy of motherhood. was it a statement of sarcasm or perhaps i am missing a point somewhere?!?! hmm... sigh...

down with the leaders?!

the world is going through a major shifting of power and resources. 10 yrs ago, the end times were known to be here and now, 10 yrs on the end times is at hand still. but more than ever the signs and its impending truth knocks on our front doors. believe it or not, it is here and will continue to til the the purpose is completed. i am in no position to comment if the leaders in the middle east ought to be overthrown, if the methods were right for the both sides to act upon the other or if the other nations nosy-poking into the situations did any help at all. but i do know all these seemingly are fulfilling the prophesy written in the Bible.

just as the world can't get any worst with the economy situation, natural distruction struck everywhere sparing no countries as it roams. the shaking of the ground, spewing fire from mountains tops and ashes covering the tracks of man. rivers are drying out, the heaven stop its raining. the earth and its core is awakening. but awakening to what and what will it result to? i have no idea. afterall i am end time prophet.

so what and where will we all be when He comes again? Riding on His white shiny horse, this time He won't be clothed in plain rags and humble human self but in His majestic glory and battle ready self. Will i be worthy to call onto His name or will i like that chap in the Bible that self declare my unworthiness and ask for a burning coal to cleanse my foul smelling evil mouth?!

raining

these days it hardly pours. when it rains, its just fine droplets of water drifting through the air. so fine that sometime i can hardly detect it til it had covered my clothes (hanging outside) with a thin flim of water. it comes as sliently as a thief at night and goes just as quietly too. what is left in evidence of its 'had been' are nothing but those slightly damp clothes and droplets on the bamboo poles.

bored.....

maid? infant care? parents' care? so many options so many possibilities. after months of lazing at home, dust is still piling, rubbish still littered inside drawers and cupboards and everywhere else. i am so tired being home, preg and just being me. haiz... miss work but bet i can't zip around much anyway. damn... am i in depression? nah... apart from the total lost of interest in all stuffs that used to consume me and a change in sleep pattern, i think i am in the relatively sane zone. the only good that might had came out good from these weeks of 'resting' is that hubby has been 'well fed' with home cooked b'fast and dinner (eating enough =/= enjoying it, i think. LOL) and the floor is being 'magic cleaned' almost everyday.

argh... there is still much to complete but i am so so so so... bored by it that i just can't bring myself to do it. but staring at facebook isn't any much more interesting too. argh... what a boring life....