although i had just recently picked up my Bible and read a few psalms, i am feeling distant. i may be praying but i am not receiving power. i had been to church services and shouted AMEN to the promises and the teaching but left church feeling still defeated. i wonder why but actually i think i know why.
apart from feeling the differences spiritually, i realised that i am "changed" emotionally and physically too.
emotional- i am easier anger and always negative. i am sensitive to people, words and actions (though i was before, it is worst now). for little trival thing i will curse and even plot evilness against the person/ event. nothing seems to spur my interest- not even yummy juicy pretty boys or blood pumping music (although the music did uplift my engery a little).
physical- i have less energy. i am easily tired out and since i had lost interest in stuff, there is even lesser reasons for me to be moving about. i eat and yet still have the "emptiness" feeling within. but when i do eat proper meal, i feel unwell and wants to vomit it out. thus thus... i had gotten even rounder still! damn it right? since i am never thin to start with.
why had all these happened? i still believe in God, i am still anchored in the truth that i will go to Heaven when i die. so what the heck had happened? where is the victorious living, the abundance life?
from: "I AM" by Steve Fry (chpt 2; He gives eternal life, p30)
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There are still others who know enough of God to be secure in his Fatherhood and in the knowledge that they have eternal life, but who simply have grown weary with life here and now. Those who have labored for fruits still unseen; those who have persevered without rewards; those who are subject to the harassment of the enemy and the rejection of people; those who have learned the art of enduring, but have not known the thrill of overcoming-to them the idea that knowing God is the key to a deeply satisfying life now sounds good, but it is no longer believeable. They endeavor to serve him, but have lost their ability to enjoy him. How can i return to the place where the joy of the Lord is my strength? they ask.
...I want to speak: to those riddled wtih disappointment; to those who love God, but have lost the passion for His purpose; and to those whose lives are simply out of focus.
It is not so much that Jesus Christ gives us the answers- He is the answer... Only when we set aside our fears, resentments, and even fatigue and strive to know him and seek him simply for the wonder of who he is-not to get answers, or meet our needs, or receive strength-will we suddenly find our fears, anger, and weariness subsumed by the deluge of joy that comes from discovering God.
in conclusion to my blog entry ->
i am seeking, hope i will find. even if i am seeking for the wrong thing, hope i will be enlighten to know that its the wrong thing then. i personally think...God's love is like an addiction, once tasted of its goodness, no matter how hard i may try to forget it, its just too tough! damn it... do i sound cultic?
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