throw in the towel

being a leader is to be able to lead. sadly i don't think i can. unless i am sure and confident of the subject we are dealing with i am able to step forward to lead the team. sadly i can't in this research proposal thing. i am really giving it lots of thoughts if i should tell someone else to lead instead. but i fear she might think i am trying to 'siam' my 'duties' (honestly is there even a clear cut on duties or not?) anyway, try as i might but... i am truly losing that zest and even ability to do what is needed of. =(

to my dear friend

i miss all most bonded frds... Bee is going to leave next yr and so is JK. one going to seek her freedom and work else where (far from me...out of sg) and another moving to oversea to study. i am not envying them but damn PROUD of them!

i had been thinking abt them 'leaving' for a long time. i kept wondering why... am i jealous? but i didn't feel it that way then i realised i am even bragging about them to my love ones. then... i think... it must be that i am so proud to have them as my friends. =)

but their 'leaving' makes me wonder... why don't i make friends (not hi-bye sort) easily? why can't i like many of my other classmates/ ex-co workers who get close and dear so easily? hmm... 2 friends down how many more do i have left?! let me count... hmm... hopefully more than 20! anyway now.. to tired to do such coo-coo thing... good night and good bye my readers, friends and love ones...

feelings

its had been an interesting week although i was highly bored, the things that happened in the attachment area were relatively new to me. as much as i thought i might know it, i don't know it all. hard to admit it but yes its true.

so what had i observed? i saw for my 1st time (in my life!) how a human is certified brain died by the drs. too bad he is not a candidate for organs harvesting, if not i might be to see the actions of different surgical teams coming in to 'grab' their harvest. i sound evil? but organ donation is a grand thing! it's giving life for those in need. whether if it is the will of God or not i shall not debate on it since i agree on this proceed.

the place where i am now is a high turn over area, nobody truly develop any feeling for the patients on the bed. partly because of the turn over rate and the fact that the patients are often not too alert (sedated aka 'drugged'). the drugging is so that the patients would attempt to use their last bit of energy and oxygen to try pulling out tubes and lines. the rate of recovery is wonderfully fast too. day 1 patient had collapsed out of hospital -> send in to hospital and resus performed -> patient 'stablised' enough to go to where i am at -> all sort of lines and equipments are hooked up onto patient, day 2 patient is seemingly calm (situation wise) but not out of the woods yet (same are generally almost good enough to be discharge! by then!!) -> treatment continue explore hidden problems & discuss way-forward (treatment wise), day 3 -> patient is weaning off/ totally to off breathing aid now & start sips of water & fully alert now -> to step down care and soon patient is out of the area where i am now.

of cuz there are those that said their goodbyes before even reach the doors of the ward/ just shortly after causing interesting panicks in the ward. still these are human with the breath of life given to them nevertheless by the same Creator.

cost is an issue too all. it's sad to see some people opt the 'cheaper' way out but lives wtih the risk of dying any moment they step out of the hospital. then there are people that are drugged (but not enough because their conditions contra-indicates it) but still struggle to fight the lines, tubes and the equipments. they are in destress cuz they don't understand why and what those are. imagine eating happily 1 moment and a sudden sharp pain after, u are lying in an unknown environment feeling uncomfortable and on top of it u realised that u can't move or even open ur eyes because u r so weak/ drugged! while the patient continue to struggle and attempt weird stuff resulting in the staff screaming instruction and trying their best to explain to patient (TO NO AVAIL!!), the family members are crying by the bedside as if he is dying. theoretically he is...if the treatment is not helping him enough to tidal over this dangerous period. as i stood there trying to make sure the patient is not force the restrainer open or breaking it while patting him to comfort him, his family stood there touching him and crying, in my broken malay i understood that the daughter was trying to tell the dad to 'bear with it, the pain, the uncomfortable-ness and the tubes". his wife just stroked his bald head and crying, his grandson was at a lost not knowing why everyone was crying, equipment was beeping and the nurse was the only one not crying. i can't respond, i can't give resurrance for it may be all false and nothing hurts more than hearing another person saying kind words to "entertain" in such situation. thus... i slowly left the room feeling helpless and sad for the family.

in conclusion, i wish i will not be posted to such setting. i prefer human interaction, where we (regardless nurses or patients) can laugh out loud together and be well; where i can predict the future base on the patients' lab results and clinical features. but where will i be posted after my graduation? i wonder.... hopefully... a general ward with AIR CON!!! given my condition i really can't stand heat!! argh...

time to study

i have some serious issue with studying. i AM truly doing it only i am reading the wrong thing at the wrong time. my pending bio test is becking me to read read read but here i am doing and reading other things! crazy!!!

i am what i am

incident 1
i realised that there is this 1 girl that often look unhappy whenever i talk during discussion. she must be thinking that i am overbearing, not leader but still act as if is. i agree i am a bit strong in my views and most of the time i think its the best. lol. but hor... if the leader is so gentle and everyone want to spend hours after hours just to talk opps... i meant discuss; i don't want lor... i love to spend the time thinking, sleeping, eating, shitting, watching tv (even if i had seen that show a million times!).

so today she show that face again... *sigh* the only time i see her hype up and happy is when the leader is indeed taking charge! lol... so... what i did? i bluff bluff ask for her views and thoughts and when she said nothing/ agreed with me... i fast fast skip her and settle the issue. lol. idiotic right? she might had some real concern but i just did the 'if u don't like me, i don't have to like u too' stunt again. lol. i want to slap myself sometime!

incident 2
there was a meeting, 2 person didn't show up. whatever reason it was i didn't bother cuz the meeting wasn't something very productive and plus i was late myself. heehee... (double standard)

anyway...so when we tried to brief them what's going on and what to prepare for the next meeting, 1 person slowly drift off to talk to someone else. i fume sia... the environment was so noisy already and u never go meeting just now and now still like that. so i said "xyz can listen to this 1st or not? don't let pple repeat 2 time lar" my tone must be terrible but maybe i meant it! lol!! so xyz return to the briefing the gentle leader so nice... repeat everything again. then later xyz and her someone else said sorry and explain her behavior, i joke joke and said never mind.

actually i really never mind lar. just that at that point of time, i think basic respect should had been observed lor. but whatever and however...gentle leader that's ur call to manage the grp lar. even if it's not the style that i prefer or even if i think the management should had been better, i don't bother lar. why make enemies when we can make love!? lol... figure of speech only not really that act of .... lol...

exsa

hey hey!! i am an exsa gold! it is a service award so last year i got sliver, this year gold. i am thankful for that. heard some people may get sliver last year but was not nominate this year. such award as mindless as it is (or as propagandised as is!), i like... heheee....

we hang around doing stupid plastic role play, quize and discuss about case scenarios. of cuz in the comfort of a cool room, quiet environment and with no demands imposed on us other then 'answer the following qns' everyone can give the best and most beautiful answers (standard customer service answers!). its not realistic at all!! but i certainly don't mind the break from school and free tea break! lol... its fun to mix with pple from different wards and singhealth grp. =) maybe i am in my happy mood that's why! lol...

so at the end of the session what did i learn? hahahahahaa... stay plastic = stay afloat! afterall plastic float mah!!! if u want to be burnt out fast, try being geninuely caring and kind to everyone (including those u really really dislike/ hate!) u will most certainly be a good follower of Christ in 'love ur neighbours (enemies) as u love ur self' but u will have so much struggles that u will be so so so tired and doubt if u r being 'plastic'! alternatively u can try the 'i must the true to myself (and everyone ard me)' stance; u cry when u r sad/ u shout when u r angry/ u skip work if u don't feel like it... result will be that u will be the no.1 to get sack, couselling and to write memos! lol.. the good part is... u r 100% real and u get to see the management heads that most pple don't get to see most of their work-life! lol...

so this is life... learn to love urself, love those that u love/ like, embrace those that u don't love/ like but if u really can't do it don't force urself! the person that upset u ALL THE TIME will not go crazy but u will... cheers.. have a happy holiday!! (oh yes! live everyday like its a holiday, eat and be merry!)

rumble and tumble

picked up one of my hubby's book called the 5 temptation of a CEO. although i am not a CEO (at least not yet! lol), i found the book is applicable for even normal layman who is in the leadership position. being it a grp leader or a supervisor, it is a good read. the book is a little like the book 'fish' it uses a simple story to bring the points across, the best part is the fonts are big and the spacing is wide enough!

t1- u only care abt ur image and ur label/ branding
t2- accountability and transparency (w ur team)
t3- decision (mission, vision, target)
t4- need to be popular (avoid pointing mistakes cuz u want to be liked by pple)
t5- need to maintain harmony
(a little like t4 huh? but the book did point out the differences; a healthy and well argument
can get things moving in the right direction!)
hmm... i think i got it wrong somewhere but what the heck!! lol... i aint no CEO man! =P

my temptation as a human is all of the above!! i care a little too much of how pple think of me so i try to maintain my image. although it's starts as a good motivation, it easily burns one out! as for accountability, i struggle with it too. I want to be like so at times i beat around the bushes but if it really burns me (e.g. threaten my image!? lol) - i never doubt my ability to tear the person up! of cuz the reason behind that needs lots of examination! lol.

as for decision... i am fast to make a decision and communicate it down the only problem is not all decision is a good one. i admit i had made a fair bit of wrong ones... just like what the pastor said a wrong decision that is not originated from God will has consequence that we might have to bear for a long long time to come. another area is am i brave enough to admit it is a WRONG decision and pull the plug on it???

as for the part where i need to be popular... i don't think the word popular is the right word but to be liked...yes. sometime i bend my rules (if it doesn't hurt anyone) in order to please all. i suppose when i am at such a low level it doesn't hurt much but if u deal with millions of dollars it will! but then again i deal with human lives!! hmm... so far my bending of rules apply to small things only... so ... hmm... i duno leh...

tying in to the harmony part... i am a seeker of peace, love and joy. so yes, i avoid confrontation at all cost! even if it seems harmless enough, i hate the screaming and the emotions involve. i like quick fixs! give me the solutions not the problems, if not why do i even employ u! that was what my manager used to tell me when she talk abt some of the management meetings (not nursing!). she would comment how some managers will just throw tons of problems onto the tables and shoot down any suggestion of possible rectification and all the while waiting for their head to 'solve' their problems. just like an adult that sits on his bum crying for food, while they should (surely they do!) have the ability to get the food or find ways to get it. ... so for my case of harmony vs arguement (of any sort) ...i will try to see where the discussion is heading and if its all about demanding with everyone bitching abt stuff at official meeting slots, i will suggest for time out/ get them to deal with those problem and come back again for meeting another time. its really dumb to sit around and just talk!! i don't like...but some management book likes it! they said it generates ideas and possibilities. i had yet to see a successful (such) meeting so i am totally skeptic of it! of cuz there is always the easiest way out!! walk out of the meeting altogether! lol...but that does not reflect very well on my leh... (back to temptation 1! lol)