i want out!

maybe its the lack of exposure, maybe its a habit or maybe its me having too much idealistic ideas of what should and should not be. the evil curse of being a student for too long?!

i had been posted to a new environment. from day 1 (even as a student then) i lamented about my plight. i was in a place where i didn't like from day 1 (it all goes back as far as when i was a year 1, 1st sem understudying person!) , i was to work with someone that i knew i can't get along well with (i had worked briefly with her so i think i know), i dislike the standard (as compared to the other places i had been to) and to make things worst the bosses are nothing like my ex-boss. =( my ex-boss was always organised and planned well into the future. although she goes by the books, her actions were always consistent and up to standard; for that i admire her.

incident 1
my 1st week in this new place, i was scold by one of the head for something someone did. i know no head no tail and was scolded. what can i say? i told her, i wasn't the one who did it and i was merely asking her if she would like to keep the equipment and ask those involve when they are back at work. she just replied, "its no excuse! u XX girls should know better. this XYZ isn't cheap and do you think the (other dept) is free enough to do these for us all the time?" my thots was... shouldn't as a leader, u direct the problem/ issue with the people/ person involved? don't vent it all on me! then later i heard she did scold those involved but just asked who send that equipment out. *boiling mad!*

incident 2
i am not against central messages but not when it conducted day, noon or night right outside of clients' room. clients are all within ear shots! and to make things worst the leaders were scolding the staffs! how will the clients think of the staffs?! mind u, its SCOLDING! unlike my previous workplace where such issues (scolding matters) are to be talked abt in the boss's office behind close door. and for every mistake done, it was presented as a learning curve not as a "trash" u session.

incident 3
the other dept staffs are arch enemy with my current work place staffs. instead of offering solution to help each other, everyone is just trying to get a piece of the other person. compassion? more like oppression.

incident 4
today its 25th dec, i reported to work as my schedule last checked was for afternoon work. i kept telling myself its ok. the workload will be light but i realised i was lying to myself the whole time. and when i finally discovery much later that i was suppose to be on public holiday which NOBODY had the courtesy to inform, i was asked by the head "so how huh? u want to go home now?" after i had worked for hours?!?!? and declared that i can't make it for my family gather?!?! wat's wrong with her IQ? do i look like i will jump at that kind offer?! cut the story short... i am getting my off on 26 dec. wat a joke!! i heard from some muslim staff that they were even schedule to work on their hari raya! talk abt cultural sensitivity...

incident 5
something happened during my work. its not something that was preventable at all, its a reaction of sort. so some reporting was required, the head called me in to tell her what had happened and so i did. i told her everything needed but i suppose her mind was not in it. and when another personale came she guided him in the reporting and when i corrected the information that she was giving the guy, she said "ai-ya that was not what u told me earlier?!" i was totally thrown off the deck! what did she mean by that? how can i had told her another thing when its written black n white on my report?!

incident 6
practices are not of norm from what i had practiced previously. i feel confused, frustrated and totally helpless. my teacher dared me 1st to change the culture and do what ought/ should be done but sorry... my power is weak and its such weak and frustrated feelings that made me into a multi-personality person. =( wonder what would she say if she see these?!

incident 7
i can't understand the mentality of the teams and clients. they all want to have their way but what abt the basic understanding of being a human- giving and taking, understanding and trust? sigh...

i am sadden by also the fact that i am not promoted. although i can cook up 101 reason why i am not promoted, i can't help the fact that i am upset. somehow i come to a conclusion...that is not to deny the fact of how i feel but be real with myself. grieving over it make it easier for my to move on and overcome it. perhaps, i am just not going to where i dream to be. it easier to stay status quo and enjoy my life... no point striving when nobody recognise anything. afterall its just a job that pays my bills.

feeling a little...

the new semster for my deg had started and having failed once i am a scary cat now. i had wasted 2 semsters! 1 for failing, 1 for waiting for the next class. i wish i can pass and i must put in lots of effort into this module. its not a subject that one can pass by merely having a good sense of 'common sense' or the ability to abstrate think but cold hard facts with lots of background reading. gosh...

someone said that people that are taking their degree are nothing but a paper chase but i strongly disagree to that. in fact i am angry at the person who had said that. he said that those in his class (acc. student) were so 'keen' to study that they enrol for deg classes immediately post grad. from their dip class. although its a little extreme, i won't think of them badly. these people had express their keen-ness and committment to be in this line of work that's why they had pressed on to study more. given another person who had just wanted to be a nurse just to 'pass' the crisis their approach would be totally different. also those students are 'late starters' in this career compared to those of the same age but had been in the trade for a longer time, in order to 'chase' back those 'stolen time' one had but no choice to run instead of stroll along in the career planning. afterall nursing is indeed an AGE-ism career. after 40yrs old, no matter how great a nurse one is, he/she will still be slower and less steady that a young (although not so clever/ experience) nurse. but the agrue will then be, they are dumb but they are young so we (the org) can still train them to prefection. while the old had no choice but to step down to other areas. so i don't think the willingly hearts are to be blame for rushing into deg classes. but those who say we are merely 'paper-chasing' ought to think twice what is the reason for him/ her to say that. perhaps they are the one that are afraid of committment, fear of studying and maybe failing? afterall deg is self sponsored and if one fail that goes the money and time. no insurance!

hopefully i will be able to busk under the sun of perth somewhere next year awaiting for my grad. =) wish me luck and help pray for wisdom!

irony of life

having been married for 7 years now. amazing that i had maintain it well enough for these years. during these years i had grown and learnt, found my goals and inspiration to move on towards to. within these years, people had gotten married, preg and preg again while i am still who i was years before. thinking of the differences i wonder what is my lot in life. if only i know it then i can plan along with it. but too bad i don't and perhaps that's the excitment of living?

death and dying

a theory that we were all told to read up well for our exam; death and dying. knowing the differences between the 2 did not really evoked anything special but subtly it reminded me a few patients whom i had the privilege of being part of their dying process and eventually their death. a few whom had touched me tremendously, left an unknown scar in my life chapters. yet, i did repress my feelings because i don't believe in being too involve in any patients' or relatives' lives. i believe as a health care worker, one needs to be able to take those bonds whenever needed.

grieving is also a process. weeping is the process for 1 to get go and regain oneself. from calling weeping to deep weeping to finally the letting go weep, all these sound no... rather it painted a wonderful visual of how a therapy is. a shrink sitting on the chair and the patient laying on a couch as they revisit the past, the patient is encouraged to grief over the lost. and the types of crying is exactly as i had remembered from all those chinese drama; the wife will weep and call out the died man "why... why must u leave us? come back! come back!!" as she cries out for the died man, she hit the corpse and accuse him off leaving. then come the 2nd stage. she then started to hit herself calling herself a wretch, jinx and stuffs like "what am i to do now?" finally over lots of scenes of crying kids and relatives gathering around the widow and kids..blah blah blah... she finally cries and look deeply and fonding at the pictures of the deceased and utter crappy stuffs like "i love u. i will always love u but i am letting u go now. be at rest now. i will be fine." then she seals it with a kiss onto the picture. (crappy and so over used but boy! don't we fall for it forever!?)

i guess the next time i nurse a patient and the patient falls under either one of this trajectories:

• linger
• crisis
• expected-quick
• spot
• danger- period
• unexpected-quick

i will do the same grieving process/ work to ease my sorrows... but then who will remain to care for the family and the rest of patients?! hmm... i think i need a shrink!

its feeling real and i am 'home?'

went back to gh today for field visit and interestingly enough the staff there that took the deg module with me were actually so friendly to me. i know she is friendly even from school but to be that nice to me, i never thought possible. ok not very nice, just friendly...like an old friend. afterall i am not that sort that will be so friendly to people that i don't know too well. i felt welcome...welcome home. =)

the it was lazing around time. lets admit it, its not fun to go on field visit when its just observing (thats because i am not proactive, i just want it over with =P) but the changes in the dept was amazing. glad that i went for this field visit afterall which gh staff will know that its renovated to this extend and where is what now, unless u had been there? so i am glad at least i know. =)

then came the exciting part. an ex-school mate is preg! 2 kids in 3 years? wow... how productive and blessed. then there are so many familiar faces that bothered to said hi to me. i am really glad and touched. then i managed to talk to the CIs, since i was there to settle some business. it was really nice that people remember me, even if it was just vague memories. then i got insider cuts. lol... i bet most staff already knew of the new development in the work place but having no extended wire into the organisation since i 'left' these news are rather new and exciting for me to know. =)

went back to the ward and was glad to see the others so well and functioning great. familiar faces just well up my emotions (just when i tot i might not have some. =P) although we had a rather uneventful working relationship, i don't think i can be consider the best friend of anyone. so i won't expect big hi's and hey i miss u sort of stuff. nevertheless i do feel for the people and i am glad they do remember me too. =)

the best...best...best...best... thing that happened is that i met BAO jie!!! =) heeheehee... she dyed her hair heeheee... for some weird reason i really like her and miss her too. although she is the quiet quiet one and we don't work together much. i like her. maybe because she is older and a really calm and mellow person? just like bee... but bee more aggressive leh. heehe... anyway... i am so glad! we even took photo!! =)

school is over and soon i will be back in the ward but i am not sure where i would be posted yet. but i suppose surgical side. but someone scare me that i may be post to the new ward too. whatever it may be, i want to be happy working wherever it is and learn stuff. (i think i am addicted to challenges and learning).

radio 'drama'

aiyoo... finally get to listen to the whole episode of 933's radio drama. gosh... all my hairs stood up! its so so so... weird and creepy. unlike 958's radio drama (of the past) where the character's voices seems to be more mellow so not so creepy. anyway i don't really like such topics on air. too provoking. in the mid day i rather heard something funny and light hearted. hmm... u still got a me.. well well well... not me

weird dream

its interesting enough that i had this dream.
i dreamt that i was in nuh but the setting was nowhere near it.
there was a swimming pool and it felt almost like a clubhouse.
but the clubhouse was suppose to be in level 1 and 2 and thing above it was hospital.
the most funny part was i "saw" ms Z! she was not just a nursing staff there!!
she was the sister!! how weird!!! and someone else whom i can't remember now (but they were arch enemies then) was beening VERY friendly to her!! *faint*

then i suppose i had just had a swim so i was looking for a toilet to shower. (tats why i was there)
i want to go into the toilet (left side for shshh.., right side for shower) but i noticed poopoo covered with a piece of tissue. eekkeeekk... i didn't shower in the end.

part of the dream although it didn't quite link with the above was...
i had a "preview" of me beening trapped in an office and there was a evil something
that was hinting us (there were me and 1 other guy?) it spinned the bingo balls,
make strong gust of wind and locked the doors.
then the next thing some how i was surrounded with lots of people, those working in the office,
everything was normal. then i quicky called my sister to bring me food.
she came and i asked her how was it outside. she said something that rang i bell so i decided to
sneak out of the office but was called to stop by a patient (patient?!?! office?!?! wtf)
and i was "ordered" to stay inside the office and was not to leave.
i told "them" (whoever it was) that i was not running but called my sister to bring me food and now seeing her off. then i told my sister to go off 1st and meet me at the level 1.
i was going to take the e-exit's staircase down to meet her.
soon enough as i approach the exit's door......

i had a leg cramp and i woke up.
how weird can my dreams be?!