prove it

a few moons ago i was a newbie too. i was the one who had to ask hundred and one questions. i was the one slow and dumb. i was the one waiting for the cue from the senior to prompt me into doing things. i was so desperate to prove that i am teachable, fast learner and lovable. the road to achieve those had with it plenty of "why" and "how". eventually with the coaching of some great people and the witnessing of some mistakes from others, i learnt and grew.

newbies are often eager to please and to prove themselves worthy. my newbie too. it hurts me to see how she is so preoccupied in doing that. i have yet to figure out what sort of person she is. i had yet to gather enough objective standing to analysis her. i am too 'attached' to her. not that i am all lovey dovey with her but the label of she is my newbie blinds me from seeing her as a co-worker and a friend. i tried! but it was useless on my part. (now i understand why some parents are totally different when dealing with their own kids vs others' kids)

having worked in this setting for a period of time, i am adjusted to what is expected and perform it as required. but this expectation gives no mercy to the newbies (regardless of who). i expect but they can't deliver and i get frustrated. *sigh*

recalling XH, i saw her as a person that wanted very much to prove she can MAKE IT. not to discuss her know-how, i know she tried very hard but no matter how this work demands can't fit into her. (or is it the other way round?) anyway, i recalled her telling others that she can do this and that. isn't it a way to prove herself to gain creditability? jumping into the limelight to gain trust and support. does it work? i think it does in lots of places (eg-sales people) its a person-marketing strategy afterall. but i don't buy that. in fact its distasteful in my view. i want to see the real stuff to be believe.

as the more my newbie tries to move nearer to me the more i bring out my rule and measure her worth. i am such a skeptic! i don't want to but i can't help it. hold her hand and guide her in love that is what i know what i ought to do. but i don't know how. i don't think i had ever had a good relationship with teachers, you see. my 1 and best mentor in life was my SP-Adeline; sadly our close relationship last only that long. after i was spiritually stable enough our relationship drifted so... *sigh* i think i suck at relationship PERIOD.