Angry

recently the ward had been thru a terrible time! there are so many death and near death cases in a short span of 1-2 months! and there was even a fall, although no animal and human hurt. still RMS and all those shit involved sucked my energy out!

because of all these happening i was really angry with God! i was angry cuz 1 pt which came in well suddenly collapsed! why?!!??? she was so well all the while! no active bleeding anywhere but she suddenly just flatten out! lucky she pull thru and was intubated to icu, recently she came back to us. she looks good but still not very well. then we had a few death cases. i was sad cuz that pt just got in the morning and left in the night. being the 'heng' one i was in the pm shift where she was still alive, restless and restrained.

between wed and thur, i discharged a good amount of pt although i stayed back to audit the casenotes til 12mn, i didn't managed to clear all. was too tired to stay so decided i shall do the rest the next day. but the next day new discharges piled up! but the shift was rather peaceful. as i was passing over shift, an old lady fell. the person directly involved was not me but i was the i/c. i needed to enter RMS. my 1st RMS and i was not even the one that caused it! and it was friday! my plan of attending the in-service talk crashed and then the RMS took up so much of my time that i had my 1st meal of the day only at 5 to 6pm! poor shan tot i was angry with her but i was more worried for her. wonder how her probation review will be! what a black mark on her career! after that dinner, i needed to relax a little then started auditing those piled up casenotes. then.... realised that some TCUs were not obtained and with 1... the Dr order after pt left! *faint* win lor... at 7pm i knew my chance of going back for cell group is almost zero liao.... i was so upset i wanted to cry! my head were getting light...

i was so angry with God. why didn't He protect the pt and shan? why let that RMS happen? why did the ward has so many happening! why do i have to clear this and that? why i was so dumb to miss the TCUs? i was so angry that i felt the surrounding spinning. but i tried to keep cool... did i manage? i don't remember but only knew i was very drained. came home, the cell had just prayed for me that my work would be completed and everything will be settled. i joined in the prayer but left to sleep straight after.

came sat. was on AM so woke up early and took a cab to work even though i was damn early. call for Mac to delievery to work even before i stepped into the ward. i wanted to treat myself to a good 'start' for the day. but i guess i was still very angry with God plus i was still very tired (or maybe cuz there were 2-3 new cases that came at 5.3o am that i needed to f/u on?) i felt like crying!! plus got an earful from the consultant for filing in the wrong doc into the wrong casefile. got a blood that came in at 7am but Z don't want to check. he wants to complete his round 1st! i kena 1 time the pro-long waiting time liao... now want to kena again?!?! but luckily Tan hk came at 8 something 9am and checked the blood and i managed to run it well within the 'shelf-life' of the blood. *phew* again there are d/c to audit. so i stayed back to do it. i don't like others helping me with that cuz i scare something not done proper, i will kena. so.. even when others offered, i said no. *sigh*

the minutes turned to hours and i was debating if i should go for service (sat). i was angry with God and i tot "maybe not going to service will show Him how upset i am with Him" but then again i missed God. i missed being in His pressence and that strong anionting felt being in the service. cut the long story short... i went to service. i was so tired that i kept my eyes closed to rest but my ears opened to ingest what the pastor had to offer. the message somewhat spoke to my current situation and i stepped out to the altar call with hundreds of the rest. it was a good time of ministry and receiving in faith. i believe things are going to turn for the better. the ward will be a better place, my life will be more fruitful and joyous. am i still angry with God? i don't know. cuz i don't feel so strongly anymore. but i know i am not contended with where i am now and i know God knows what i mean. by faith i claim for the unfulfilled promises and i will no leave it to chances. with awll my heart and mind and soul, i no longer want to go to where God is cuz that means i am still a distant away from where He stands. i want to be with Him in His work and holding His hand in all that i am involve in.