its tuesday

yes, tuesday and my 1st grp presentation. i WAS disappointed to the point of wanting to vomit blood and jumping off the building at the stage of preparing the slides and etc. haha... i always do the both that sometime it lose its impact! haha... anyway back to the story.

the source for my frustration was a couple of people that did not seem to know how to answer to the question and when they do seems to see the light they were quick to lose it. sad for them. selfish me says "its ok let them be" but helpful me slaps myself and says "if they don't get it, we will all sink and die. help them!!" so... the helpful me wins...violence always win anyway.

to help them (and myself actually) i re-did their work (i was technically doing at least 50-60% of all the work!!!) and then i had to explain to them how the pathophysiology was. i was so pissed!! i had stayed up til 5am, sleeping only 2-3hrs to get things in place and...... argh.... OMG!!! if u had told me u had read it up, should not u then at least understand it enough to relate to the charts and pointers i arranged?! i know full well that i looked terrible (black face, grumy..) and i sound terrible (snappy, etc) but i did not shout at them. so i did my best at controlling myself. i was just *sigh* ...let it be... i think the next level is to learn how to smile at pple who hurt me but habour evil thots within?! lol... maicham like some hong kong drama...

getting off the track, i realised that i had changed! i used to scream and insist things go MY WAY but now i keep it in and use my action to demand it to be my way but if it doesn't i will just sulk a little and let it be. is that a sign of maturity? (i am 30+ it better be! lol) or had i become so care-less that i don't bother to want to change anything anymore!? i dunnoe really.

back to the presentation... today i am at peace. i no longer care if the girls understand or not. the slides had been submitted and our fate is sealed. wheneven when our time was running out and we didn't manage to complete our presentation. i was fine. pple had wanted to talk abt things i told them no need and stretch out the time, i am fine. i only presented 1 slide! lol... better still no need to talk that much. although a little sad that my effort (put into the preparation) is not fully exhibited. i can just say... i did my part and i am at peace with myself and God. =]

another event that shook me a little was the new addition of a friend in my facebook. someone that i thot had DIED had added me as friend! its serious i will not lol. there are really very very very few friends that i really will call as friend-friend sort. most of those pple are just pple that i had spent a good period of time with and that i had gotten along well with. but this friend is a friend. when i allow someone into my heart, i will care and truly feel for her/him. although i may not act it out often nor talk abt it day n nite, i do. yes.. i have serious issue with bonding and trust. =(

so this friend which i thot will be a life long friend had finally came back into my life after a long time being away. i had always thot of her as my best friend, in the past! am i happy? i can't decide for now. after all she had 'left' me long time ago, refusing to answer my call and just as if she was died her everything abt her vanish out from my life. i wasn't one that wanted it but she had. i didn't know her reasons and i don't intend to now. i think bits of my heart had die along with her disappearance. i used to wonder why she had done what she did, was it because she was ill and didn't want anyone to know? did she run into some prob? maybe she left sg to somewhere else? 4 yrs after... i don't really bother anymore.

now that she had return, what is she to me and how will i relate to her? i am still thinking. but 1 thing that kept coming back to me was... never ever talk to a friend or in fact anyone abt money (of possible link to money) issue. be it loaning or lending money or even asking pple to sign ur bond or guarantee anything. pple can just disappear after such thing, even if they r online as evidenced by the status they r on msn/ facebook. its just vanished....

afterall these things, i realised i had grew to be more cynatic abt things. but i find it really hard to smile and say hi to pple that had hurt me or that i personally don't feel particularity comfortable with. perhaps that's the problem when i make a pledge to GOd not to lie again. sigh... i think i miss God, miss Him so much that i just wish that i can just be where He is forever and never get emotionally moved or disturbed by things, humans or even animals!

boy...damn it... sound all so depress and shit... np... i will recover. i just need a good sleep and happy foods. asa asa fighting esther!

stillness

everyone who had known me long enough knows i love the night. be it the stillness of the night or the colourful, loud night of the downtown. i ardor them both. its been long time since i engage in the enjoyment of the later. sometime i do miss it. the smell of tobacco and beer. the dazzling nightlight and rowdy human cheers. i am an observer, i enjoy watching more than the real deal of being in the action.

here i am in the room at 2am. i sense the stillness of the night. the peace and calmness comforts me. even my body relaxes. i sense my lungs expand with every breath i take, if i keep really still i can almost feel my heart pumping. with the steady hum of the fan next to me and the smoothing voice of norah jones singing through my earphone. i feel like i can just vanish into the thin air and start floating around weightless and free. the stillness of the night brings with it great peace within, once experienced it you will agree with me, it is better than all other extreme burst of emotions.

i wonder is this how heaven will be like?

psalm 23

i am tried, drained and frustrated- mainly streamed from the root of unmet expectation. i sought for comfort in the words of the Lord. perhaps the answer had always been there, rooted in truth. yet my unwillingness to embrace it make it hard to truly feel that rest and peace offered.

its period of transition but nobody is making it easy. not that i am begging for anyone to empathise with me on it; afterall i am too familiar with my own policy of "its ur own problem, deal with it!". i am seeking for a inner peace, a pace that can syncronise with the world. no point, i run at 2x the speed when the world around me remain at 0.5x speed. it will kill myself trying to change the world. afterall even sony decided to drop its HD project.

psalm 23
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the Lord is my shepherd
i have everything i need
He lets me rest in green meadows
He leads me beside peaceful streams
He renews my strength
He guides me along right paths
bringing honor to His name

even when i walk
through the dark valley of death
i will not be afraid
for You are close beside me
Your rod and Your staff
protect and comfort me

You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies
You welcome me as a guest
anointing my head with oil
my cup overflows with blessings
surely Your goodness and unfailing love
will pursue me
all the days of my lie
and i will live in the house of the Lord forever