the role of a mother

the role of a mother is not easy. its a uphill task with mini rest stations but with no such thing as a downhill ease. perhaps to some theirs come with a motor cable car attached making it all pretty sight and no ugly pain. but mine comes with a good package deal. while i thank God that my baby is not those typical colic cry-baby, i get a fair share of worries and fear.

that day that baby was born. i worry if she had enough to drink and was she getting enough love and attention to feel as secure as she was in the womb. then came the jaudice, as a train nurse i can dish out advise and tell parents to ride it through and eventually baby will be fine. but as a mother myself, i dread that baby had to take infant formula for supplement and to prevent her from dehydrating. i fear the worst, what if baby jaudice level is so high that she needs transfusion or get organ/s damage?! when she finally gotten discharge, i got my restless nights but thanks to the help of my mom i gotten a good deal of rest time in the day. but whenever baby sleeps in my arms (she refuse cot!) i would consistently check if she is still breathing or not. i am still doing it now! the reports of SIDs are too alarming and scaring to ignore!!

i am proud to say that i am breastfeeding baby and she is gaining well. yet everyday i worry why is she having that much poo. and when her poo frequency reduce but quantity increased. i wonder is she ok?! and whenever she fart i fear that my diet had caused too much gas in her tummy causing her discomfort. never had i stop my worrying. =( i wish to be as great a mummy to my baby as other mummies before me. those who had displayed great ability to raise their kids, contribute to work and still can find time to go on dates and lovely trips with their hubbies. gosh... i don't think i can manage! even with my mother in law's help i am struggling with the upkeeping of my relationship with my hubby, fear of returning back to work and making sure i am doing all the right (textbook's golden standard) stuff to my little darling.

i don't know what it means to enjoy the joy of motherhood. was it a statement of sarcasm or perhaps i am missing a point somewhere?!?! hmm... sigh...