i want out!

maybe its the lack of exposure, maybe its a habit or maybe its me having too much idealistic ideas of what should and should not be. the evil curse of being a student for too long?!

i had been posted to a new environment. from day 1 (even as a student then) i lamented about my plight. i was in a place where i didn't like from day 1 (it all goes back as far as when i was a year 1, 1st sem understudying person!) , i was to work with someone that i knew i can't get along well with (i had worked briefly with her so i think i know), i dislike the standard (as compared to the other places i had been to) and to make things worst the bosses are nothing like my ex-boss. =( my ex-boss was always organised and planned well into the future. although she goes by the books, her actions were always consistent and up to standard; for that i admire her.

incident 1
my 1st week in this new place, i was scold by one of the head for something someone did. i know no head no tail and was scolded. what can i say? i told her, i wasn't the one who did it and i was merely asking her if she would like to keep the equipment and ask those involve when they are back at work. she just replied, "its no excuse! u XX girls should know better. this XYZ isn't cheap and do you think the (other dept) is free enough to do these for us all the time?" my thots was... shouldn't as a leader, u direct the problem/ issue with the people/ person involved? don't vent it all on me! then later i heard she did scold those involved but just asked who send that equipment out. *boiling mad!*

incident 2
i am not against central messages but not when it conducted day, noon or night right outside of clients' room. clients are all within ear shots! and to make things worst the leaders were scolding the staffs! how will the clients think of the staffs?! mind u, its SCOLDING! unlike my previous workplace where such issues (scolding matters) are to be talked abt in the boss's office behind close door. and for every mistake done, it was presented as a learning curve not as a "trash" u session.

incident 3
the other dept staffs are arch enemy with my current work place staffs. instead of offering solution to help each other, everyone is just trying to get a piece of the other person. compassion? more like oppression.

incident 4
today its 25th dec, i reported to work as my schedule last checked was for afternoon work. i kept telling myself its ok. the workload will be light but i realised i was lying to myself the whole time. and when i finally discovery much later that i was suppose to be on public holiday which NOBODY had the courtesy to inform, i was asked by the head "so how huh? u want to go home now?" after i had worked for hours?!?!? and declared that i can't make it for my family gather?!?! wat's wrong with her IQ? do i look like i will jump at that kind offer?! cut the story short... i am getting my off on 26 dec. wat a joke!! i heard from some muslim staff that they were even schedule to work on their hari raya! talk abt cultural sensitivity...

incident 5
something happened during my work. its not something that was preventable at all, its a reaction of sort. so some reporting was required, the head called me in to tell her what had happened and so i did. i told her everything needed but i suppose her mind was not in it. and when another personale came she guided him in the reporting and when i corrected the information that she was giving the guy, she said "ai-ya that was not what u told me earlier?!" i was totally thrown off the deck! what did she mean by that? how can i had told her another thing when its written black n white on my report?!

incident 6
practices are not of norm from what i had practiced previously. i feel confused, frustrated and totally helpless. my teacher dared me 1st to change the culture and do what ought/ should be done but sorry... my power is weak and its such weak and frustrated feelings that made me into a multi-personality person. =( wonder what would she say if she see these?!

incident 7
i can't understand the mentality of the teams and clients. they all want to have their way but what abt the basic understanding of being a human- giving and taking, understanding and trust? sigh...

i am sadden by also the fact that i am not promoted. although i can cook up 101 reason why i am not promoted, i can't help the fact that i am upset. somehow i come to a conclusion...that is not to deny the fact of how i feel but be real with myself. grieving over it make it easier for my to move on and overcome it. perhaps, i am just not going to where i dream to be. it easier to stay status quo and enjoy my life... no point striving when nobody recognise anything. afterall its just a job that pays my bills.