its tuesday

yes, tuesday and my 1st grp presentation. i WAS disappointed to the point of wanting to vomit blood and jumping off the building at the stage of preparing the slides and etc. haha... i always do the both that sometime it lose its impact! haha... anyway back to the story.

the source for my frustration was a couple of people that did not seem to know how to answer to the question and when they do seems to see the light they were quick to lose it. sad for them. selfish me says "its ok let them be" but helpful me slaps myself and says "if they don't get it, we will all sink and die. help them!!" so... the helpful me wins...violence always win anyway.

to help them (and myself actually) i re-did their work (i was technically doing at least 50-60% of all the work!!!) and then i had to explain to them how the pathophysiology was. i was so pissed!! i had stayed up til 5am, sleeping only 2-3hrs to get things in place and...... argh.... OMG!!! if u had told me u had read it up, should not u then at least understand it enough to relate to the charts and pointers i arranged?! i know full well that i looked terrible (black face, grumy..) and i sound terrible (snappy, etc) but i did not shout at them. so i did my best at controlling myself. i was just *sigh* ...let it be... i think the next level is to learn how to smile at pple who hurt me but habour evil thots within?! lol... maicham like some hong kong drama...

getting off the track, i realised that i had changed! i used to scream and insist things go MY WAY but now i keep it in and use my action to demand it to be my way but if it doesn't i will just sulk a little and let it be. is that a sign of maturity? (i am 30+ it better be! lol) or had i become so care-less that i don't bother to want to change anything anymore!? i dunnoe really.

back to the presentation... today i am at peace. i no longer care if the girls understand or not. the slides had been submitted and our fate is sealed. wheneven when our time was running out and we didn't manage to complete our presentation. i was fine. pple had wanted to talk abt things i told them no need and stretch out the time, i am fine. i only presented 1 slide! lol... better still no need to talk that much. although a little sad that my effort (put into the preparation) is not fully exhibited. i can just say... i did my part and i am at peace with myself and God. =]

another event that shook me a little was the new addition of a friend in my facebook. someone that i thot had DIED had added me as friend! its serious i will not lol. there are really very very very few friends that i really will call as friend-friend sort. most of those pple are just pple that i had spent a good period of time with and that i had gotten along well with. but this friend is a friend. when i allow someone into my heart, i will care and truly feel for her/him. although i may not act it out often nor talk abt it day n nite, i do. yes.. i have serious issue with bonding and trust. =(

so this friend which i thot will be a life long friend had finally came back into my life after a long time being away. i had always thot of her as my best friend, in the past! am i happy? i can't decide for now. after all she had 'left' me long time ago, refusing to answer my call and just as if she was died her everything abt her vanish out from my life. i wasn't one that wanted it but she had. i didn't know her reasons and i don't intend to now. i think bits of my heart had die along with her disappearance. i used to wonder why she had done what she did, was it because she was ill and didn't want anyone to know? did she run into some prob? maybe she left sg to somewhere else? 4 yrs after... i don't really bother anymore.

now that she had return, what is she to me and how will i relate to her? i am still thinking. but 1 thing that kept coming back to me was... never ever talk to a friend or in fact anyone abt money (of possible link to money) issue. be it loaning or lending money or even asking pple to sign ur bond or guarantee anything. pple can just disappear after such thing, even if they r online as evidenced by the status they r on msn/ facebook. its just vanished....

afterall these things, i realised i had grew to be more cynatic abt things. but i find it really hard to smile and say hi to pple that had hurt me or that i personally don't feel particularity comfortable with. perhaps that's the problem when i make a pledge to GOd not to lie again. sigh... i think i miss God, miss Him so much that i just wish that i can just be where He is forever and never get emotionally moved or disturbed by things, humans or even animals!

boy...damn it... sound all so depress and shit... np... i will recover. i just need a good sleep and happy foods. asa asa fighting esther!

@ random

i reserve my rights to talk about anything i want to. just a random statement. =)

headache.. not a figure of speech but literally that. wonder why my ICP is raised. perhaps not enough sleep. school is finally getting interesting... after the heart system... everything else is interesting!!! heehee... we had a lecture on brian and the lecturer is damn cool. i like everything about her- her style of teaching (clear and straight to the point), her poise, her dressing, etc. the lung had been interesting too but i felt too much had been poured into the heart system. maybe its a compensation for those coming from the cardio-thoraxic area- such a specialise and important area but there isn't any specialised cert. for this group of tanlets.

my body is aching. my assignment is due but the bit of writting up my assignment is a terrible. i hate to write. despite my desire and goal to be an APN which requires at least a master degree, i think i will be happy to settle for less? argh... age is a factor, my unwillingliness to write more assignment another and of cuz money is yet another. my dream of having my own practice/ medical home is seemingly going to brust. if only i had firmed out my goals still the day i was born wasn't it great? yet we human can't make up our mind on what we want and spend time skirting round the real important stuff til it too late.

the back of my neck hurts and sometime i can even feel my brain going into a spasm. heehee.. if i ever stroke out during my course of study will i still have to pay back the bond deed? lol.. getting old is no joke man! too many health issue to worry abt... i am still in denial stage, thus explain the mindless eating. =_=

present...

i gotten a "WONDERFUL" gift from my new school its running nose. anyway keen to receive the gift just find a seat in random in my lecture hall/ class and breath deeply. to be more proactive in getting the gift, run to the nearest person or the person who had been coughing the loudest and choose either of the following: 1- hug her/him 2- use ur hand and touch her nose/ mouth and in turn do the same to u nose/mouth 3- smear ur face onto her/his table (surely the cough droplet had landed around there) 4- request to sit infront of her/him and have her/her cough all over ur hair and don't wash it for days. there u have it... the wonderful ways to get the wonderful gift.

wanna scream!

the tutors are plain yucky!!! my o my.. how can it be?!?!?! i suppose if the person that had gotten the job to work in a teritary setting surely this person/ people ought to had gotten good education to work as a 'teacher' of some sort. but *sigh*... i want to scream!!! honestly if i can rattle off all the results of a normal ABG and can is able to read the results, i won't be sitting in the room. and if the method of teaching is to 'drill this concept and reading in to your brain" then kindly explain how on earth are we (no, ME) going to remember the reading only after 1 min (or maybe 1/2 a sec) of u flashing ur slides? the concept of giving the notes out after lesson, i know... to reduce distraction but surely r u positive it works (any literature/s to support?) while the audiences are learners? notes will help the learner refer and verify the taught. i simply have no idea why young kids need to buy textbooks then. maybe MOE should just issue them the book after the entire yr is over?! *shake fist*

perhaps i am getting over judgemental. the tutors have too much up their sleeves handling us and the other courses learners. but... the stress had indirectly been channel to us, so why can't i then complaint? (no no.. i nvr email/ write letter) pls get organised!!

no. 2!! will those pple that are coughing STAFF included pls wear a mask! everyone are healthworker (or were in some point) can't understand the importance meh? with the swin flu (H1N1, i stand corrected) going ard still (its not even GREEN YET!!!) is it so hard to be a little street smart to be more aware and be careful?!?! I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO WEAR A MASK TOMOR!!! IDIOTS COUGHERS COUGH ALL U WANT AND U WILL SEE ME HANDING U A MASK. DAMN IT!

so wat if u rn't having a fever?! u rn't god and nobody want any part of ur body fluid or virus!!

school had just started for barely 2 weeks and flu type A hits. clinical field trips had been hold off, actually i am in a way glad. we can have more time to study or to prepare for the assignment and presentation. although i am interested to observe what goes on in different disciplines and wards, i doubt wat 1 day can impart to us.

all my co-workers back in the ward are complaining abt the mask, the heat, the visitors, etc. but on the hindsight, lesser visitors and lesser 'anything also want to admit" patients. i think its a great time to work now, nurses can really give their undivided care to their patients. of cuz i can imagine the amount of phone calls!! if the relatives can't be there to pester the nurses physically, there is always other ways to do so.

i wish my friends well and hope nothing will befall on them. 1 courage award is enough, i pray we will never have to start another courage award in the name of another healthcare worker. i wonder how are the 2 boys of fatimah coping after their mom's departure yrs ago.