rambles

it had been really stuffy. is it the weather or is it me? found out a few new and rather interesting things about myself. yet these new 'information' is not at all helpful. some self-help books that i read told me the key to a better me is to know myself better and in that way i can fine-tune myself to be a better person. but the problem is with the fine-tuning. being this me is familiar and easy, why should i change and can i really change? its terrible isn't it? the key to all success is courage. courage to step out into the unknown, to try new things and to face with the adversary in life. perhaps my problem is courage?
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my dad is unwell. been to the hospital and now walking with a limb. yet the idea of it all didn't raise any alarm in my system. no emotion, no concern, no whatever. am i heartless? my elder sister lectured me on why didn't i answer my phone the night before, instructing me to visit my dad and blah blah blah.

i did and it resulted in me leaving my work 1/2 hr before the official time. honestly, i have no idea what time was the official time, cuz i hardly get the chance to start work at 8am for a long time. stupid me! should had ask right? but i assume it to be 8 to 4. anyway back to the topic, on my way out of the org. i found myself feeling angry towards that sick man. thots were roughly these "shit. because of him, i clock under-hrs", "got exams leh but still need to do such shit" blah blah.

i think i never fully release my dad into forgiveness. or maybe i did. forgiving =/= forgetting but i did. the point that i forgave him, i might had well buried him somewhere in a really remote part of my brain. he is my dad, biologically but emotionally he is just a stranger on the street to me. =_=

i found myself wondering again... what will we do if he dies? i guess its a simpler qn than if he falls damn sick/ bedbound. i am nurse but does that means i must be Mother Theresa too? hmm... its a really profound qn for me considering the reasons why i chose to be what i am today. hm....
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i find it hard to be happy these days. i need a long break. a time to honestly re-evaluate myself, my calling and my future. or maybe... vanishing into the thin air is a faster short-cut. if aliens do read blogs, i wonder if they will consider abducting me for their experiments.